lordy lordy blog

News from Fucking, Austria
Police chief Kommandant Schmidtberger told the Sunday Telegraph: "We will not stand for the Fucking signs being removed. It may be very amusing for you British, but Fucking is simply Fucking to us. What is this big Fucking joke? It is puerile."

News from the United States
People were looking for the source of a mysterious, recurring screaming in Liberty, Ohio.

Visit Dildo!
From http://www.aroundthebay.ca/profile/Dildo/dil.asp:

Dildo is located on Route 80, approximately 15 km from the Trans Canada Highway. It is thought that the community may have got its name from Spain or Portugal, or an algonquin tree, or the shape of the headland that forms the harbour. This community is blessed with beautiful scenery and is an excellent place for whale watching!

Katrina
The wonderful city of New Orleans could well be history, along with parts of Mississippi. Already the bloggers are weighing in. RFK Jr., blogging on Huffington Post blames global warming and the Governor of Louisiana. James K. Glassman was outraged, over at Tech Central Station, claiming that global warming had nothing to do with Katrina, and RFK Jr. is an “enviro-predator.” Sidney Blumenthal, in DER SPIEGEL on-line, blamed President Bush: “The Bush administration's policy of turning over wetlands to developers almost certainly also contributed to the heightened level of the storm surge.”

Can we all shut up for two minutes, and send some boats over there?

Katrina's Fury
Can we also ax references to the "fury" of storms? Storms are storms. They do not possess emotions.

Immigration

Pat Robertson:
“What is true of New Mexico and Arizona is true of our nation, which is now home to an estimated 10 million to 15 million aliens who have broken our laws and broken into our country. It is a mark of the cowardice of our leaders that they are so terrified of being called ‘bigots’ they tolerate this criminality. The moral rot of political correctness runs deep today in both national parties.

“A president like Teddy Roosevelt would have led the Army to the border years ago. And if Fox did not cooperate, T.R. would have gone on to Mexico City. Nor would Ike, who deported all illegal aliens in 1953, have stood still for this being done to the country he had defended in war.”

Invade Mexico? Huh?

What if everybody, legal and illegal, got a living wage? And legal residents, by law, were hired first? Wouldn’t that tip the scale towards legal residents? Of course, if we want to send Marines into Mexico City, I’m so behind that. That would be cool!

The question on everybody’s lips:
Who shot Suge?

My question:
Why haven’t more people shot him?

PC News from England.
"Within each lesson the teacher will initially tolerate (although not condone) the use of the f-word (or derivatives) five times and these will be tallied on the board so all students can see the running score. Over this number the class will be spoken to by the teacher at the end of the lesson."

The Petulant Man March

SIDEWAYS
I know a great many people liked this movie, and it lifted the sales of Pinor Noir around the nation, but the Child Bride and I gave up on it about halfway through. It seemed to be little more than a series of unfunny scenes depicting a petulant man and his friend drinking wine and eating. What, no zombies?

DOWNFALL
We liked this movie quite a bit however – even though it was another movie about a petulant man and his (so-called) friends eating. I especially enjoyed the scene in which Hitler dispensed poison capsules to those of his staff who desired them – like a kindly uncle offering his personal headache remedy to a suffering niece. What a nice guy!

Meanwhile, outside the bunker, acting out of fierce loyalty to Der Fuhrer, and with every encouragement from him, eight-year-old Berliners were manning machine guns to face the relentless Russians. And back in the bunker, rats were either jumping off the sinking ship, or committing suicide the way toddlers take naps.

Double Feature I’ll Avoid.
That penguin movie, and the movie about the delusional hippie who got eaten by a bear.

Narration by Morgan Freeman.
Can we declare a moratorium on that now?

Google Google
A writer for CNET New decided to see how much she could find out about Eric E. Schmidt, the chairman and chief executive of Google, by Googling him. When her article appeared, however, Google’s director of public relations complained about the disclosures, and then told CNET that the company would not speak to its reporters for a year.

On the face of it, this seems high-handed and weird. Why should Google get upset if an article shows how well its search engine works?

My theory: it’s a well-intentioned warning to the curious. Googling Google could theoretically set up an infinite information loop – like placing two mirrors facing each other, only much more dangerous – in which Google searches Google, Google searches the Google searching Google, etc. until the Internet folds in on itself. Then the entire universe will be sucked in, and implode, ending the cosmos, as we know it.

So if you’re going to Google Google – use Yahoo.


Another Latter Days indicator....
From the New York Times:

“When Stephen was reunited with his sometime girlfriend LC on this summer's season premiere of the MTV reality series ‘Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County,’ his choice of soundtrack music was inspired: ‘Don't Stop Believin' ‘ by the 80's power ballad specialists Journey, a firm song about uncertain love. ‘Generally, in reality TV, you like to control what music is being played,’ said the show's music supervisor, Jon Ernst, ‘but that was Stephen's own CD. It wasn't staged at all - he's a Journey fan.’

“… The day after the premiere, ‘Don't Stop Believin'’ made its debut on the iTunes sales chart in the top 5, and it hovered in the top 10 for two weeks. Retail sales of the band's two greatest-hits collections jumped 40 percent in the week following the show's debut, according to Nielsen SoundScan.

“’A whole other generation is coming up to me now - anywhere from 8 to 22 years old - wanting me to sign autographs,’ said Steve Perry, Journey's former lead singer. ‘They think Journey was awesome.’”

Poll results!
The three top insults to males, from a new survey conducted by the Chicago ad agency, Leo Burnett:

"He'll never amount to anything."
"Everyone laughs behind your back."
"You're stupid."

The poll also revealed the three things males want out of life:

1. End world hunger.
2. Be a world famous sports star.
3. Marry a supermodel.

Which is why women think we’re stupid, and will never amount to anything, and laugh behind our backs.

Unless, of course, you are a world famous sports star who married a supermodel and ended world hunger. Then you get number 4 on the list of things males want out of life – oral sex. Which isn’t really fair, but that’s life.

Me, I just want to make it to the living room without forgetting what I went there to get.

China Syndrome II
This is from Gamespot:

“In China …, the government agency that oversees the online game industry said that testing of a system to regulate the number of hours gamers spend online will be ready for deployment this October.

“The system will impose penalties on players who spend more than three hours gaming online. The system is slated to be fully operational in late 2006 or early 2006 and will be compulsory for all massively multiplayer online role-playing and online casual games.

"’This timing mechanism can prevent young people from becoming addicted to online games,’ Xiaowei Kou, the deputy director of the general administration of press and publication (GAPP), said during a press conference in Beijing.

“…[T]he system reduces the ability level of a player's online game character if the game is played beyond the three-hour limit. Basically, play more than three hours and the system cuts a game character's ability by half. Play more than five hours and the system reduces a game character's ability to the lowest level possible.”

This crackdown is hitting the real world as well. If you play chess for more than three hours, a government representative will remove two pawns from your board; after five hours, he will take your queen. And in Chinese Checkers, the marbles will be replaced by square pegs.

Sorry Ass Blog

I’m sorry, so sorry.
(AP) Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson insisted Wednesday that he did not call for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, despite comments broadcast on his program two days earlier.

"I didn't say 'assassination,'" Robertson said Wednesday on his Christian Broadcast Network show "The 700 Club" about remarks reported by The Associated Press and other media outlets.

"I said our special forces should 'take him out.’ ‘Take him out' could be a number of things including kidnapping. There are a number of ways of taking out a dictator from power besides killing him. I was misinterpreted by the AP, but that happens all the time."

What would Jesus do?
What Pat Robertson said two days ago: "You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war, and I don't think any oil shipments will stop.”

Come, let us parse him!
He doesn’t “know about this doctrine of assassination.” Well, that’s good. Why should a Christian broadcaster know about assassination doctrines?

“But if thinks we’re trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it.”
I don’t quite see the logic there. Somebody somewhere has a thought, therefore we should make that thought reality? I’m thinking about a pony. Will the government give me a pony? Or do you have to be a resident of Venezuela?

“It’s a whole lot cheaper than starting a war, and I don’t think any oil shipments will stop.” I agree with him. Assassinations are a lot cheaper than wars. But I thought he didn’t know about this doctrine of assassination. It’s good to know, however, that this man of the cloth (and what cloth is that, I wonder?) is doing his part to keep the global flow of oil continue uninterrupted.

“‘Take him out' could be a number of things including kidnapping. There are a number of ways of taking out a dictator from power besides killing him. I was misinterpreted by the AP, but that happens all the time." It could have meant “take him out” to dinner. Or a movie. Or to the ballgame. Damn that godless AP!

The Internet? Is that still around?
Jon Stewart, IN WIRED interview: “The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.”

Overheard in front of the produce market.
“That’s right Satan, you can’t do anything unless God allows you.”

Why we don’t hate Clinton enough yet.
Bill Clinton is coming out with an album of his favorite songs, to be called "The Bill Clinton Collection: Selections from the Clinton Music Room," to be sold at the Clinton Museum Store in Little Rock.

According to AP, the songs will include "My One and Only Love" by John Coltrane, "Harlem Nocturne" by David Sandborn, "My Funny Valentine" by Miles Davis, "Summertime" by Zoot Sims, "I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel to Be Free" by Nina Simone and "Chelsea Morning" by Judy Collins.

Clinton has a music room? I don’t have a goddam music room. Do you have a music room?

Get Hitchens!
Max Blumenthal, from The Nation.
“In the immediate wake of President Bush's nomination of John Roberts to the US Supreme Court, two of the Christian right's major interest groups, the Family Research Council and Focus on the Family, planned a sequel to Justice Sunday, the spectacular rally they had held in April to promote Bush's controversial federal judiciary appointments. In anticipation of a battle fit for Christian soldiers, the planners of Justice Sunday II went big, booking a Nashville, Tennessee, megachurch and arranging the broadcast of their event to millions of homes and thousands of churches across the country through SkyAngel and the Trinity Broadcasting Network.

“The event reached its climax when William Donohue of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights stomped onstage determined to deliver the evening's most bombastic attack line. Donohue was going to tell the crowd exactly who their enemy was, in no uncertain terms. He was going to name names. And so, in booming basso profundo, Donohue denounced ‘the atheist, anti-Catholic bigot’ Christopher Hitchens. His salvo was greeted with befuddled silence.”

Blog-O-Rama

Once again the MSM got it wrong.
Skyler DeLeon, on the lam somewhere San Diego, suspected of killing a couple to steal their yacht, was described by the Associated Press as having been a child actor, and as having appeared in the series MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS.

Imagine how cool it would be if Blue Ranger, say, turned out to be a psychotic criminal. (Did I say “cool?” I meant “bizarre.”)

So I Googled the guy, and Googled Power Rangers. As near as I can tell, the guy was nowhere near that show, and probably wouldn’t even know a Megazord from a Krybot.

True, Blue Ranger’s name is Schuyler Tate, but that’s still a long way from San Diego.

My blue home.
The San Francisco Board of Supervisors, in its ongoing effort to make San Francisco the favorite whipping boy for conservatives everywhere, voted 8-3 not to allow the warship USS Iowa to be docked here.

Supervisor Ross Mirkarimi said , "If I was going to commit any kind of money in recognition of war, then it should be toward peace, given what our war is in Iraq right now."

Instead, it’s probably going to Stockton, California, a Des Moines-ish city, which knows a tourist attraction when it sees one.

Hunter Thompson RIP
Hunter Thompson’s ashes were successfully incorporated into a spectacular fireworks display last Saturday.

I am reminded of this story, from the Arizona Outdoorsman:

“The widow of an expert on vintage shotguns had her husband's ashes loaded into cartridges and used by friends for the last shoot of the season.

“Joanna Booth organized the shoot for 20 close friends on an estate in Aberdeenshire after asking a cartridge company to mix the ashes of her husband James with traditional shot.”

When I go, I want my ashes to be incorporated into an Etch-a-Sketch.

PC hits Down Under.
According to Reuters, security guards at Parliament House in Canberra were directed to refer to people as sir or ma’am. Apparently, people in Austalia are in the habit of calling each other “mate” in lieu of more formal address. “The ban was imposed after the head of a government department complained about being called mate, local media reported.”

This unnamed stuffed shirt’s victory was shortlived, however. A storm of protest from both high and low caused the removal of the directive.


Cindy Sheehan
I’ve been following this story with curiosity and revulsion.

On the one hand, I have to admire Ms. Sheehan for her staunchness in the face of the really nasty stuff being thrown at her by the right. On the other hand, I still don’t quite know what she hoped to accomplish with her Crawford vigil. I am also revolted by left’s attempt to make her a galvanizing force for the anti-war movement.

It seems like everybody’s co-opting her grief to serve an agenda.
More idiocy
Senator Bill Frist of Tennessee agreed with President Bush that intelligent design should be taught alongside evolution in public schools. Citing a “pluralistic society,” Senator Frist said this approach "doesn't force any particular theory on anyone." As if teaching kids the basics of biology is forcing a theory on them.

A recent Gallup poll (Agh! Poll!) revealed that only about a third of the U.S. population believe that Darwin’s theory of evolution is supported by evidence.

That could be because our leaders appear either to form their scientific opinions through expedience, ignorance, and/or idiocy.

To believers in “intelligent design,” I urge you to take a look at the dachshund. This beast was bred by humans, not God, for the purpose of hunting badgers. Today it makes an excellent pet, though prone to back problems. Look at the horse. It was bred by humans to be ridden. Sometimes evolution is more than mere random selection. Sometimes it’s intentional. Look at the mule. Look at your house cat. Look at your children. Look in your flower pots, for God’s sake. Even the Bible itself evolved over years!

I hate us!

Break out the imaginary champagne!
I’m a liberal myself, but I find these kinds of wan celebrations more depressing than anything. This if Frank Rich in the New York Times:

“….[A]nother Ohio marine reservist who had served in Iraq came close to winning a Congressional election in southern Ohio. Paul Hackett, a Democrat who called the president a ‘chicken hawk, received 48 percent of the vote in exactly the kind of bedrock conservative Ohio district that decided the 2004 election for Mr. Bush.”

Uh, Hackett lost. A “near-victory” is not a victory. Ask Al Gore. Ask John Kerry.

Cindy Sheehan
I’m a liberal myself, but I think maybe grief may have unhinged her. What does she hope to accomplish in Crawford, Texas? What does she want? A meeting with President Bush? Why? He’ll see the error of his ways? Give her a hug?

Why are the media assembled in Crawford? What news, exactly, is being made there?

And what are all those other lefties doing there? Do they want a hug from the President too?

On public radio the other day, I heard Laura Flanders ask a reporter “on the ground” in Crawford if she thought the vigil was some kind of peace movement “tipping point.”

Of course it isn’t! It’s just another media event! We’re circling around this poor woman’s grief, waiting for her meltdown, like jackals around a wounded zebra! I hate us!

Tipping point.
When did this ridiculous and unmeasurable concept get accepted as a real thing? And why?

From James Wolcott’s blog:
“…I hope that Cindy Sheehan doesn't get led astray by all this publicity and go too far. No one doubts her pain, sorrow, sincerity, and commitment. But I worry that if she insists on staying in Crawford, Texas to meet the president again, Camp Casey might attracts all sorts of ‘undesirable elements’ that could damage her cause and provoke a column from Richard Cohen of the Washington Post arguing she's in danger of losing her ‘credibility.’”

Too late?
Ms. Sheehan, according to today’s Drudge Report, "You get America out of Iraq and Israel out of Palestine and you'll stop the terrorism.”

She also said, "My son was killed in 2004. I am not paying my taxes for 2004. You killed my son, George Bush, and I don't owe you a penny...you give my son back and I'll pay my taxes. Come after me (for back taxes) and we'll put this war on trial."

And further: "And now I'm going to use another 'I' word - impeachment - because we cannot have these people pardoned. They need to be tried on war crimes and go to jail."

President Bush? The ball’s in your court. Pull out the troops, give Israel a call about this whole Palestine thing, give Ms. Sheehan her son back, and impeach yourself.

Animal movies
What is with the popularity of the goddam penguin movie and the movie about the guy devoured by grizzly bears? What is this sudden “nature is red in tooth and claw” movie thing? I hate us!
AMERICAN IDOL judge Paula Abdul is in the clear.
Whew! The nation dodged a bullet on that one.

WHY DID THIS STORY EVEN SEE PRINT! WHY AM I REPRINTING IT? I HATE US! ME ESPECIALLY!
From AP:
Rod Stewart's daughter, Kimberly Stewart, is trying to make amends to Jennifer Aniston in the wake of her remarks in Blender magazine.

Stewart told "Access Hollywood" that she regrets calling Aniston "homely" during a recent interview with the publication.

In that interview, Stewart said about Aniston, "I like her 'cause she's, you know, homely."

Stewart goes on to say that Aniston has to have something else going for her because "it's not like she's gorgeous or anything."

Stewart said she learned of Aniston's hurt feelings by reading Aniston's revealing interview with Vanity Fair.

Aniston said reading Stewart's opinion of her literally ruined her night.

"I got my feelings very hurt," Aniston said.

Stewart said she feels "awful."

"It was just one of those things you say and then you bite your tongue," Stewart said.

Thanks to Michelle M. for this one.
From AP:
“The cab driver who picked up a couple suspected in the slaying of a Tennessee prison guard during a courthouse escape said Thursday the two told him they were going to an Amway convention but their story just ‘didn't really seem to wash…. They didn't strike me as the Amway type because to be honest they weren't very pushy about their product and I've dealt with them before so — that was my only real suspicion.’

So if you’re an escaped convict attempting to disguise yourself as an Amway salesperson, be sure to boost your non-existent product line to strangers cheerfully and aggressively.

Guantanamo reading
Islamic terrorist suspects’ favorites are Harry Potter and "anything by Agatha Christie," according to Reuters.

The Washington Times, tracking this fast-breaking story also said that …"SAHIH BUKHARI, a book of sayings and deeds by the prophet Muhammad compiled by the early Arabic scholar Muhammad bin Ismail Bukhari” is also very popular.

You see, Timmy....

You go, Jim.
"My criticism of Hollywood is not that they make films that way, or that films are commercial products in their minds. That doesn't bother me. That's the nature of the 'entertainment industry,' or whatever. My real criticism is that they're so timid. They just force shit down people's throats because of their very conservative marketing analysis and all that. But it's always mysterious, what people are going to like. Even just on a business level--wouldn't it make sense to have a wider variety of products that cost less to produce? Wouldn't you have a better chance of increasing your profit margin? But I don't know. I'm not a business guy, so maybe I'm completely wrong."
Jim Jarmusch/ LA Weekly

Movie Idea?
The Afghan hound cloned in South Korea is named Snuppy, for Seoul National University Puppy.

Back to Hollywood!
From the International Herald Tribune:

Tucked away in the Hollywood hills, an elite group of scientists from across the country and from a variety of disciplines rocket science, nanotechnology, genetics, even veterinary medicine gathered last week to plot a solution to what officials call one of the United States' most vexing long-term national security problems.

Their work is being financed by the U.S. Army and the Air Force, but the Manhattan Project it ain't: The 15 scientists are being taught how to write and sell screenplays.

At a cost of roughly $25,000 in Pentagon research grants, the American Film Institute is cramming this eclectic group of midcareer researchers, engineers, chemists and physicists full of pointers on how to find their way in a world that can be a lot lonelier than the loneliest laboratory: the wilderness of story arcs, plot points, pitching and the special circle of hell better known as development.

…

Fewer and fewer students are pursuing science and engineering. While immigrants are taking up the slack in many areas, defense laboratories and industries generally require American citizenship or permanent residency. So a crisis is looming, unless careers in science and engineering suddenly become hugely popular, said Robert Barker, an Air Force program manager who approved the grant. And what better way to get a lot of young people interested in science than by producing movies and television shows that depict scientists in flattering ways?

Mysterious happenings.
From Harper’s Weekly:

A surprising number of dogs were jumping to their deaths from a bridge in Milton, Scotland, but no one knew why. "Everything dogs do is for a reason," said a perplexed animal behaviorist. "They're not stupid like we are."

A man fell off the same building twice in Darwin, Australia.

Because we can’t get enough scare quotes.
From Ars Technica, Andy Martin, from the group he founded, The Committee To Fight Microsoft, is quoted:

"Windows 95 was a disaster; it took three years to correct the major deficiencies. But the 95 fix, Windows 98, only created new vulnerabilities, and required yet another round of fixes for Windows 98. On and on it goes. No other company in America gets away with selling defective products and then expecting its customers to wait years for proper product operability.
…
"Two other unacceptable scams that Microsoft has used over and over again are to encourage people to 'upgrade' unsuitable old computers, and to encourage manufacturers to sell underpowered computers. XP was authorized for 128 RAM, which was clearly inadequate. Who would buy an inadequate TV set? Or an inadequate stove, that didn't get warm enough? Or an inadequate refrigerator that didn't get cold enough? No one. Why should someone buy or 'upgrade' an inadequate computer on Bill Gates' say-so? The Committee to Fight Microsoft is launching a legal action effort to bar such practice, in advance, for Windows Vista. Bill Gates, you are on notice."

And he’s quaking in his squishy shoes.

Back to Hollywood!
I don’t think that scientists should write screenplays, frankly. (If they do write screenplays, I should be allowed to be a rocket scientist. It’s only fair.)

What is needed is a return to the golden age of film (the fifties) when scientists were heroes, battling giant pre-historic leeches, mutated locusts, and frozen carnivorous carrot-men from Mars. They wore either lab coats, or jackets with leather patches on the elbows. They smoked pipes. They said things like, “It’s crazy, but it just might work.” And, “You see, Timmy, when exposed to enough radiation, it’s possible for arachnids to become very large indeed.” And don’t forget, “That’s right, General, you heard me. I believe this thing is a creature believed extinct for a hundred thousand years!”

I’ll write the screenplay if you want. Pentagon? Any more of those grants lying around? Jim Jarmusch? Want to direct? Let’s throw in Snuppy for comic relief! If he hasn’t jumped off a bridge.

The Ongoing Implosion

Novak snaps!
The columnist, heretofore untouched by the mysterious Valerie Plame affair, walked off the set of CNN’s INSIDE POLITICS last Thursday, just after he said, "Well, I think that's bullshit, and I hate that. Just let it go."

Some say the rabid basset’s exit was prompted by the needling of James Carville, but alert bloggers noticed the presence of a WHO’S WHO IN AMERICA on the table in front of host Ed Henry. You may recall that Robert Novak claimed recently that he hadn’t really outed Valerie Wilson (Plame) as a CIA agent - information about her can be gleaned freely from WHO’S WHO IN AMERICA. I have seen the entry on her, however. All it says is that she is married to Joseph Wilson (calling her Valerie Plame, though she uses the name Wilson in real life), and does not list her employer.

So….?

I dunno. I don’t know what any of this means, but I do love to see public figures implode before me! Especially if I don’t like their politics. Hey, I’m only human.

Remember Martha Stewart on CBS’ Early Show back in 2002? Asked about her legal troubles, Ms. Stewart told host Jane Clayton that “I want to focus on my salad.” She was chopping leafy things at the time.

Of course, that wasn’t really an implosion. Martha never implodes. As a matter of fact, Novak should have taken a page from her book. Instead of walking off the set, he should have said, “I want to focus on my salad.” It wouldn’t have made any sense, I guess, but it probably would have shut James Carville up for a few seconds, which is pretty much always a good thing.

Before Novak snapped….
They were talking about Katherine Harris’ partial meltdown. You remember her. She was the Secretary of State in Florida during the Gore/Bush dangling chad election thing. She ruled against a ballot recount, which led to much unpleasantness still lingering today, though overshadowed by much larger unpleasantnesses.

Now she’s running for the Senate. Pursuing that noble venture, she consented to be interviewed by conservative radio host Sean Hannity, where she confessed to be hurt by various satirical jabs at her, specifically on her appearance. Jay Leno, for example, had joked that a Florida cold snap had been so chilly that Ms. Harris had “put on a third layer of makeup.''

Ms. Harris told Hannity, “I'm actually very sensitive about those things, and it's personally painful. But … you know, whenever they made fun of my makeup, it was because the newspapers colorized my photograph.''

The Mainstream Media, so far, have denied the charges, but you know how they are, with their Photoshop and liberal biases.

Novak, responding to the story, told Ed Henry, ”I've had the same experience that she did. A lot of my trouble in the world is that they've doctored my make-up and colorized me in a lot of newspapers on my picture. So, I sympathize with her.”

I think he was joking, but if you look at the tape, it’s hard to tell. And he did walk off the show a minute or so later.

So anyway, Martha Stewart….
She just got her sentence extended (three more weeks under house arrest), because she violated the rules of her probation by going to a bookstore and a yoga class. The fiend! Hanging’s too good for her!

She should have known better. Hasn’t she heard the news from Norway?

The News from Norway.
From the Associated Press:

A Norwegian prison has stopped giving yoga sessions to inmates after finding that some of the prisoners became more aggressive and agitated, a newspaper reported Wednesday.

The yoga classes were introduced on at trial basis earlier this year at Ringerike prison, which holds some of Norway's most dangerous criminals.

Prison officials had hoped mediation and breathing exercises would help inmates contain their anger, but it appeared to have the opposite effect.

Some inmates became more agitated and aggressive, while others developed sleeping problems as a result of the yoga sessions, prison warden Sigbjoern Hagen told newspaper Ringerikes Blad. Hagen said that deep breathing exercises could make the inmates more dangerous, by unblocking their psychological barriers.

And what does my child bride say?
“Yoga kills.”

I think she said those very words to Sigbjoern Hagen. But did Sigbjoern listen? Sadly, no.

Wingnut check
Here is a most excellent conspiracy theory, from a comment posted on LibertyPost.org:

ABC has a new TV series upcoming this Fall, I did not get the name of it, but the gist is that a President has a stroke and is incapacatated (sic) long term. His VP, must take over. His VP is a WOMAN. They try to talk her out of taking the oath of office, but she "gets tough" and chooses to "go for it."

Based on what I heard, and a little common sense, I believe the series is SOLELY to desensitize voters about having a female President...much like many of the "gay" shows were to desensitize the average American that it was an "acceptable life style". (sic) And it worked.

Why?

Well, they want Hillary to win, and they've got to do the desensitizing long before the election, but not so far away that it's forgotten.

Count on it being promoted big time, and by the big-time Hollywood types. Count on guest appearances of any/every big liberal name out there. This is the most definate (sic) sign that she will be running, as her Hollywood cohorts try to clear her a path to the White House via a fictional show run on prime time TV.

What does Geena Davis have to say?
She is the WOMAN playing the VP in the ABC series created by the sinister liberal cabal, COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF.

She told some bored reporter or other: "I consider myself incredibly fortunate in that I play so many different kinds of parts in virtually every genre from period to comedy, drama and action. I loved that I went straight from being an incredibly deadly assassin in Long Kiss Goodnight to the mother of a mouse. I just thought that was fabulous. I think it's equally interesting to go from that to the leader of the free world."

She told another bored reporter or other: "I really find the parts of myself that the character has. So I believe that we all have everything within us, the ability to be a killer or the girlfriend of an insect."

I give the series three weeks.

Its creator, Rod Lurie, a Democrat and fan of Hillary, did, however tell the press, "If Hillary Clinton should get the nomination, we're all taking credit."

I give Hillary Clinton three weeks.

Desensitize me! Quick!

Recycling Blog

PSA and Perfect Internet Moment
There is a website (www.freecycle.org) that is the hub for a ring of people who want to get rid of stuff, without throwing it away. I have used the local tentacle of this octopus, http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SFFN/, to get rid of monitors, computers, cell phones, children’s books, a television, and much more. It’s like a huge garage sale, except you give stuff away, no money involved. I got a plain pine five-by- three bookshelf for free.

You can also ask for things – moving boxes, packing material, and art supplies seem to be the most common requests.

I’m on the mailing list (I LIKE e-mail!), and most of the offers and requests are pretty mundane, i.e. OFFERED: Broken blender. But ever once in awhile, something strange shows up. Like this, as was:

“I just destroyed my door to my room because I was so upset. It's been three years now that I've been divorced and I'm still very sad that my terrible financial habits back then that destroyed my marrieage. If someone has one laying around or extra or remodeling there house I would appreciate it as I have to replace it. It's an apartment I live in. I'm kind of a mess today, I'm very sad. I saved the doorknob, hinges screws. I measured it, it's 80 inches high and 31 and 3/4 inches wide. Thanks. I have a pickup truck for a couple of days, I can pick it up. I live in .....”

Birthday news!
The child bride had a birthday on Sunday and we celebrated frugally.

We went for a walk in Golden Gate Park, which we hadn’t done in ages. The Museum of Natural History has been totally demolished, making way for the new one. The new improved DeYoung museum (a museum that I loved, torn down because of earthquake damage) is about ready to re-open. It looks something like a rusted battleship. I mean that in a good way.

We took in the Japanese Tea Garden, which is always a pleasant way to spend an hour, even though the ponds seemed a bit murky, and no Koi were apparent.

The real object of our pedestrian ramblings, however, was the Conservatory of Flowers, which my unspeakable wife had never seen. She was moved close to tears by the experience (NB: she is a gardener). (If you do not know the Conservatory of Flowers, go here: http://www.conservatoryofflowers.org/)

It is a beautiful Victorian greenhouse, epic in scope, filled with carnivorous plants and other delights. It is also humid and hot. In San Francisco’s rather drear climate, that is a plus.

Then we went to Amoeba (www.amoebamusic.com/), and purchased oodles (well, twenty or so) of used videos, and went home and watched them.

These videos included:
THE RETURN OF DR. PHIBES.
YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (James Bond)
THE ATTACK OF THE MUSHROOM PEOPLE
Old Superman cartoons.

And much much more!

Throughout the experience, the child bride wore a silver tiara in her hair, subliminally inviting comments and worship from the homeless, hippies, skaters, and tourists we encountered on our little voyage, none of which was forthcoming. Still and all, it was a lovely day.

Walking through the park, we found a paperback book of German short stories, edited by Stephen Spender, which we promptly read. I especially enjoyed the stories by Heinrich von Kleist and Hugo von Hoffmansntahl.

Another surreal story, by an author whose name I forget right now, contained the phrase “authentic popular rage,” which appealed to both the wife and me. The book of short stories itself had been burned half-through by a cigarette. All in all, it was a wonderful day.

Vulgar Blog

From dykesonbikes.org
“Some of you know about the San Francisco Women’s Motorcycle Contingent Dykes on Bikes’ efforts to trademark DYKES ON BIKES to keep it from being used commercially or for personal gain. The US Patent & Trademark Office turned us down in May for the third time-this time calling the word ‘dyke’ vulgar. To us, ‘dyke’ is who we are and not something vulgar. We recognize that ‘dyke’ can be used negatively, but we have taken the word and made it a symbol of power and pride as part of Dykes on Bikes, which is the phrase that we are trying to trademark. I am sure all of you will agree, that when the Dykes on Bikes kick off the annual Pride Parade here in San Francisco and in other pride celebrations across the country, we are a symbol of power and pride. We are appealing the USPTO’s decision and will continue to fight to register the trademark.”

Come on, USPTO, get with the program. America wants DYKES ON BIKES tm action figures! Happy Meal toys!

More vulgarity!
Lauren Bacall to TIME Magazine: "When you talk about a great actor, you're not talking about Tom Cruise. His whole behavior is so shocking. It's inappropriate and vulgar and absolutely unacceptable to use your private life to sell anything commercially, but I think it's kind of a sickness."

The search is on!
Remember THE OMEN, in which rich people died horribly in a series of freak accidents, because the son of Satan felt like killing them for some reason? They’re going to do a remake!

The director, John Moore, says, "The casting process for a new Damien will be under way soon. The role is wide open to all young mothers who want their sons as the sons of Satan."

And what young soccer Mom wouldn’t want that for her child? Release date is scheduled for June 6, 2006. Get it?

Sean Connery grumps.
From the Daily Mail: “I'm fed up with the idiots . . . the ever-widening gap between people who know how to make movies and the people who green-light the movies. 'I don't say they're all idiots. I'm just saying there's a lot of them that are very good at it. It would almost need a Mafia-like offer I couldn't refuse to do another movie.”

If you’re looking for idiots, however, here’s the place to go.
From the Dallas Morning News: “The Ector County Independent School District unanimously approved an elective course in biblical literacy last week, an action underscoring the marked increase of such ‘Bible study’ classes nationally.” (Scare quotes! Don’t you love them?)

Asked what he thought about this, a junior at the Odessa high school told the paper, "It's OK, I guess. But there's already a lot we have to get done for graduation; there's not much room for electives. It's like we'd have to choose between football, more science or the Bible."

And poetry classes, of course.

By by Secular Humanism, see ya!
The New York Times, in an article by the much-derided-by-conservatives Ralph Blumenthal and Texan Barbara Novovitch, reported that the Texas Freedom Network, which disapproves of the curriculum, reported in its study that in one teaching unit, students are informed: "Throughout most of the last 2,000 years, the majority of men living in the Western world have accepted the statements of the Scriptures as genuine."

Further… “Mark A. Chancey, professor of religious studies at Southern Methodist University in Dallas, who spent seven weeks studying the syllabus for the freedom network… said he found it ‘riddled with errors of facts, dates, definitions and incorrect spellings. It cites supposed NASA findings to suggest that the earth stopped twice in its orbit, in support of the literal truth of the biblical text that the sun stood still in Joshua and II Kings.”

The sun stood still, the dish ran away with the spoon, Lauren and Sean fell in love with Malibu, and the Dykes on Bikes roared into the sunset, with their trademarks intact, and the flowing tears of a grateful nation. See you at the Rapture!