Sunday, March 21, 2010

Blog Reform Now!

Vanitas
I know that the world is pressing down upon us, or rather we are being pressed into the world, like shredded carrots into lime jello. But all I can think about is Carly Simon teasing us with quasi-revelations about who the true subject of her hit “You’re So Vain” was really all about. It’s not so much that I care. I didn’t care when the song was a hit a zillion years ago, and I don’t care now. But there is something sad about a woman my age and more revisiting the faux mysteries of youth in a shameless attempt to … what? Get people to buy the record again?

Anyway, some have recently speculated that the song was really about David Geffen, the gay record executive. Ms. Simon has denied it. That people find this interesting is interesting.

And what exactly did Billy Joe throw off the Tallahatchie Bridge? Get over it! It doesn’t matter. What matters is that the singer and Billy Joe were seen together, shortly before Billy Joe’s death. Or did he die? Did he REALLY die?

For Those Who Were Disappointed To Learn That John Wayne Wasn’t Really A Cowboy….
…in real life, bomb squads don’t work the way were they presented in THE HURT LOCKER. I know this because I have been Alerted By The Media, both MSM and other.

NYT Lawyer News
“A conservative advocacy organization in Washington, Keep America Safe, kicked up a storm last week when it released a video that questioned the loyalty of Justice Department lawyers who worked in the past on behalf of detained terrorism suspects.” The outfit is run by Liz Cheney, Dick’s daughter, who may be evil.

Then there’s this…
Viacom is suing Google and hence YouTube for posting “infringed” content.

YouTube has countered: "For years, Viacom continuously and secretly uploaded its content to YouTube, even while publicly complaining about its presence there. It hired no fewer than 18 different marketing agencies to upload its content to the site. It deliberately 'roughed up' the videos to make them look stolen or leaked. It opened YouTube accounts using phony email addresses. It even sent employees to Kinko's to upload clips from computers that couldn't be traced to Viacom. And in an effort to promote its own shows, as a matter of company policy Viacom routinely left up clips from shows that had been uploaded to YouTube by ordinary users. ...

"Viacom's efforts to disguise its promotional use of YouTube worked so well that even its own employees could not keep track of everything it was posting or leaving up on the site. As a result, on countless occasions Viacom demanded the removal of clips that it had uploaded to YouTube, only to return later to sheepishly ask for their reinstatement. In fact, some of the very clips that Viacom is suing us over were actually uploaded by Viacom itself.”

Michiko Kakutani in NYT
“It’s also a question, as Mr. Lanier, 49, astutely points out in his new book, YOU ARE NOT A GADGET, of how online collectivism, social networking and popular software designs are changing the way people think and process information, a question of what becomes of originality and imagination in a world that prizes ‘metaness’ and regards the mash-up as ‘more important than the sources who were mashed.’

“Mr. Lanier’s book, which makes an impassioned case for ‘a digital humanism,’ is only one of many recent volumes to take a hard but judicious look at some of the consequences of new technology and Web 2.0. Among them are several prescient books by Cass Sunstein, 55, which explore the effects of the Internet on public discourse; Farhad Manjoo’s TRUE ENOUGH, which examines how new technologies are promoting the cultural ascendancy of belief over fact; THE CULT OF THE AMATEUR, by Andrew Keen, which argues that Web 2.0 is creating a ‘digital forest of mediocrity’ and substituting ill-informed speculation for genuine expertise; and Nicholas Carr’s book THE SHALLOWS (coming in June), which suggests that increased Internet use is rewiring our brains, impairing our ability to think deeply and creatively even as it improves our ability to multitask.”

Let’s do a mash-up of these books, and put a dance mix on it!

Found somewhere…
“McNeill Pediatrics—a subsidiary of Ortho-McNeill Pharmaceuticals—launched what they called an ‘unbranded group’ called ‘ADHD Moms.’ ADHD Moms markets the trademarked name ‘Mom-bassadors’ to get mothers into the Facebook page.”

“Mom-bassadors” joins “Me O’Clock” at the top of my list of unfortunate neologisms.

Oh, and Femivores too.
Peggy Orenstein in NYT: “Femivorism is grounded in the very principles of self-sufficiency, autonomy and personal fulfillment that drove women into the work force in the first place. Given how conscious (not to say obsessive) everyone has become about the source of their food — who these days can’t wax poetic about compost? — it also confers instant legitimacy. Rather than embodying the limits of one movement, femivores expand those of another: feeding their families clean, flavorful food; reducing their carbon footprints; producing sustainably instead of consuming rampantly. What could be more vital, more gratifying, more morally defensible?”

These are women who have GARDENS. They are GARDENING. Why do we need to create quasi-ideological movements to justify actions that need no justification? Activities that our mothers and grandmothers did as a matter of course now requires some kind of socio-cultural context, it seems.

And “Femivore?” What does that even mean? You eat women?

Let’s mash it up and set it to a dance mix!

Cover of PEOPLE.
I was in line at Walgreen’s when I saw the cover of PEOPLE Magazine, with a picture of Susan Boyle with the caption, “Is Fame Hurting Her?”

What a paradoxical question! If the answer is “Yes,” then why is PEOPLE putting her on the cover, and increasing the hurt? If the answer is “No,” then what’s the point of asking in the first place?

Good news!
Scientists at the Karlsruhe Institute of Technology in Germany have created an invisibility cloak! So far it has only proved effective on an object one thousandth of a millimetre high. But can tanks be far behind?

WALKER: TEXAS RANGER!
…is out on DVD. Over two hundred shows! Over fifty disks!

I became briefly addicted to this show when it was stripped on USA. It was at once a throwback to the kind of shows I loved when I was a ten year old boy, and at the same time a surreal vision of modern life, especially in Texas, which seemed to be teeming with drug cults, Satanic cults, terrorist networks, slave traders, etc. Every other episode, it seems, either Walker or Trivette’s girlfriend was being kidnapped by somebody or other. Well, she wasn’t really Walker’s girlfriend. I think he was celibate.

Tea Party
Tea Partiers get upset when they are referred to as “teabaggers,” which they consider a sneering term coined by liberals, and a reference to a (perhaps) non-existent sexual practice. I’m afraid that the Tea Partiers coined this term themselves, during one of their first protests, urging people to mail tea bags to the Senate and Congress. It soon came to their attention, however, that teabagging also referred to a (perhaps) non-existent sexual practice, which quickly lead to their assertion that it’s a left wing plot to discredit them. Because that’s what we do these days. We create our own reality and then get angry at others for supposedly making us live in it.

Cut and paste it! Mash it up! There are no more spectators. We’re all just making goo in the hive.








Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Kitty Blog

OUT OF IT
Been busy not paying attention to the world for a few weeks, trying to write a screenplay. For those of you who follow this blog with bated breath, here's something I wrote a few years back. It's either Sadly Dated, or Eerily Prescient. Your choice.

KAP’N KITTY’S KORNER
Fade up on a bare wall, on which are written in scrawled Magic Marker, “Door,” “Window.”

KAP’N KITTY walks onto this set. He’s an extremely close-shaven young man wearing a fuzzy black cat suit, revealing only his face. He stares at his feet, as an unseen ANNOUNCER proclaims--

ANNOUNCER
Hi kids. Welcome to Kap’n Kitty’s Korner, the federally mandated program for today’s at-risk pre-teen population. This portion of Kap’n Kitty’s Korner is funded in part by Halsted Buckram & Hartford, where your money is their money. And by Plasmopheme, where glowing soybeans feed the world. Now say hello to Kap’n Kitty!

[KAP’N KITTY looks up.]

KAP’N KITTY
Don’t really say hello. Remember, I’m on television and can’t hear you. Keep in mind too that my real name is Dan Reynolds. I’m a special agent with the Treasury Department. I’m just--

[He makes quotation marks in the air with his paws.]

--pretending. Also, we might be spelling “captain” with a “k” instead of a “c” but this is for a comedy effect. It’s humorous, okay? And what’s our topic today, Mr. Bennett?

ANNOUNCER
Our topic today is “Imaginary Friends,” and it’s underwritten in part by Phosmerexetrene. Consult your physician. And by Sawyer Liddell, venture capital for the unborn. Let them get you started early on the road to personal wealth.

KAP’N KITTY
Great. And here’s our imaginary friend, Ms. Kathleen Corrigan.

[KATHLEEN CORRIGAN, a smartly dressed professional woman, enters, carrying a slim, stylish briefcase.]

You’re not really imaginary, are you?

KATHLEEN
No. I’m an attorney with the Justice Department.

KAP’N KITTY
Lost a case, did you?

KATHLEEN
Don’t even go there.

KAP’N KITTY
Why else would you end up here?

KATHLEEN
How’d you end up here?

KAP’N KITTY
I--

[KAP’N KITTY makes quotation marks in the air with his paws.]

--volunteered. I made the mistake of telling the complete truth on my initial application.

KATHLEEN
That you had a childhood?

KAP’N KITTY
My imaginary friend was named Steve. Did you have an imaginary friend?

KATHLEEN
God, no. I barely had real friends. I was kind of male-identified, if you know what I mean.

[There is an embarrassed silence.]

KAP’N KITTY
Well. It’s perfectly normal to have an imaginary friend, until it’s not. It’s a sign of imagination, and-- what?

KATHLEEN
Creativity?

KAP’N KITTY
Roger that. Remember, kids, as you get older, prospective employers look for signs of creativity in your job applications. It’s a good thing to say that you have it.

KATHLEEN
Here’s a tip, though. Don’t really have it.

KAP’N KITTY
Hell no. The truth is, most employers hate creativity.

KATHLEEN
Right. But they want you to believe you have it.

KAP’N KITTY
Right. So. Just sit there, until you can vote. That’s my advice.

[A slight pause ensues, fraught with anxiety.]

ANNOUNCER
And by Premulent Technologies. Their motto, since 1996: “If you know what we do, please tell us.”

KATHLEEN
Oh. Here.

[She hands KAP’N KITTY a piece of paper.]

KAP’N KITTY
E-mail! Remember, kids, we don’t accept telephone calls or letters. Only e-mail. This is to help you adapt to the new economy. This is from Sam in Redwood City California. “Dear Kap’n Kitty. Do you have a gun? Can I see it?”

[He hands the piece of paper back to KATHLEEN, who puts it in her slim, stylish briefcase.]

KAP’N KITTY
Yes. I carry a nine millimeter handgun. I can’t show it to you, because research has shown that it’s damaging for children to see authority figures with loaded weapons. Psychology and that, you know? It’s perfectly legal for you to have a weapon, though you probably shouldn’t. If you do, and you bring it to school, you run the risk of being arrested, or shot by police officers during a siege situation. Up to you. My leg itches.

[A pregnant pause.]

ANNOUNCER
Kap’n Kitty’s Korner is staffed entirely by volunteers from the Justice and Treasury Departments. Because America’s children are its greatest treasures. No tax dollars were spent to bring this program to you.

[Brief pause.]

And this portion of Kap’n Kitty’s Korner is brought to you by The Chalmer Group. You pay us. We’ll pay you.

KAP’N KITTY
All righty then. How you doin’ Kathleen?

KATHLEEN
Bitter. I’m bitter. Bitterness, kids. Get used to it. Work through it.

KAP’N KITTY
That’s some good advice there. Now we come to the part of the show we call “Send us your stuffed animals, and we’ll try to guess their names,” where we get your stuffed animals and we try to guess their names. Here’s Special Agent Roy Harris.

[AGENT ROY HARRIS enters, carrying a pathetic ball of fur.]

ROY
Guidelines suggest that we do not portray children on television, therefore I will represent the eight year old male demographic, aka Tim, aka Timmy, aka Little Timmy.

KAP’N KITTY
Hey Tim. That a stuffed animal you have there?

ROY
That is correct.

KAP’N KITTY
Is its name Timmy?

ROY
No sir. That’s my name.

KAP’N KITTY
Sometimes you give stuffed animals your own name.

ROY
On your planet maybe.

[A brief, yet excruciating silence.]

KAP’N KITTY
Is it called Marty?

ROY
No sir.

KAP’N KITTY
Simba?

ROY
No sir.

[KAP’N KITTY looks at his feet. ROY looks at KAP’N KITTY’s feet as well.]

ANNOUNCER
And by www. darkness.com, saying “Lights out,” to the Internet.

KAP’N KITTY
Okay. I give.

ROY
It’s Shamu.

KAP’N KITTY
Huh. So it’s like a whale, or something?

ROY
I guess. Looks more like a skunk to me though.

KATHLEEN
Maybe a dinosaur.

ROY
It’s pretty beat up.

KAP’N KITTY
Thanks, Timmy. ‘Preciate it.

ROY
Hey, no prob.

[He exits.]

KAP’N KITTY
Remember, kids, send us your stuffed animals and we’ll try to guess their names. You need to get rid of those things anyway. They’re an impediment to maturity.

KATHLEEN
There are no stuffed animals in the workspace.

KAP’N KITTY
You got that right. And write this down too, kids. It’s a federal offense for you to watch any television show but this one.

KATHLEEN
And you shouldn’t even be watching this.

KAP’N KITTY
Yeah. You should be, uh, I dunno-- doing some science.

KATHLEEN
Reading.

KAP’N KITTY
Roger that. Bottom line: if you watch television, this is the program you must watch, though we don’t recommend it.

KATHLEEN
Is anybody watching, by the way?

KAP’N KITTY
Let’s crunch the numbers. Mr. Bennett? Anybody out there?

ANNOUNCER
Working on it.... No. As of now, our viewership is zero.

KATHLEEN
Good news!

[KAP’N KITTY takes his head off.]

KAP’N KITTY
Good news for us. Good news for America. Our long nightmare is over. The future is safe. Finally, we can all go home.

[KATHLEEN is already out the door.]

ANNOUNCER
This portion of Kap’n Kitty’s Korner was brought to you by E-Solutions, providing scalable b to b synergistic platforms offering mission-critical content to expedite bandwidth. And by trimethylphenosomnihex, your one-step solution to attention deficit disorder.

[KAP’N KITTY struggles to get out of the cat suit, falls over.]