Friday, November 26, 2004

Just say “D’oh!”

Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.
The never-ending cramming, in our public schools, for tests devised at the whim of educrats and conservatives, a process that seems to have taken over, you know, actual education… well, it may soon be itself eclipsed by sexual education programs that focus on abstinence. Experts claim more studies are needed, before such a program is implemented.

Of course, that’s what experts always claim.

To counter them, Wade Horn, assistant secretary of Health and Human Services, announced (according to the Associated Press),``We don't need a study, if I remember my biology correctly, to show us that those people who are sexually abstinent have a zero chance of becoming pregnant or getting someone pregnant or contracting a sexually transmitted disease.”

So that settles that, I guess. If we talk to teens about abstaining from sex, they will. Case closed. Now, all you ripe little virgins – back to the books!

Melee Milieu
It’s inevitable, I suppose, in the wake of the NBA fracas, that the usual gang of hand-wringers start excoriating us for our increasing lack of civility. I don’t watch basketball, I hardly ever scream at strangers, or friends, as far as that goes, and the last time I threw anything at anybody in anger was a dirt lump at the kid across the street when I was seven.

Certainly, I’ve thrown magazines at the television, but I would say that, by and large, I am one polite secular humanist. This is why I say to the blaring windbags of America: please shut up. Just for five goddam minutes, please, shut up.

Okay, I’m creeped out.
November 26, Associated Press: “By the time Wal-Mart's store in a Buffalo, N.Y. suburb of Hamburg opened its doors at 6 a.m., 1,000 people had formed a lined that spanned the entire store front, despite temperatures of 31 degrees.” At least no melee ensued.

Ukraine, Ikraine, we all kraine….
Speaking from his Fortress of Arrogance in Crawford, Texas, President Bush claimed that the world “is watching very closely" the charges of voter fraud in the Ukraine. President Putin, in response, flipped President Bush the bird.

Another brick.
The Evening Standard: “A group of former pupils at a London comprehensive school are poised to win thousands of pounds in unpaid royalties for singing on Pink Floyd's classic Another Brick In The Wall 25 years ago.” Insert dark sarcasm here.

Tom Delay, get your snakebite kit.
Snake charmers in Pakistan are being arrested in droves, following the passage of the Wildlife Act, which makes capture and de-fanging of snakes illegal. A spokesman for the snake charmers says, "If the state government does not allow us to leave in peace, we will release all our 5,000 snakes into the assembly premises when the session begins on Dec 3.”

If all goes well, the Duck's Breath DVD should be ready to ship next week. An e-mail will be going out for full ordering information. If you want to be on that list, give me a virtual shout.


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