Thursday, November 11, 2004

Blind Item

What needs to be done.
So Jim Belushi is suing Julie Newmar, and Bill Maher’s old girlfriend is suing him, and Liza Minnelli’s bodyguard claims that she forced him to have sex with her, and Burt Reynolds’ old flame is suing him.

What Duck’s Breath needs, obviously, is a scandal.

Dan Coffey has already suggested that we move to his farmhouse in Iowa, declare ourselves to be a separate nation, and die in a blazing shootout with the FBI. Leon and I are enthusiastic about this option, but Jim and Bill can’t quite see the career-advancement possibilities.

Jim is making a movie with Nicole Kidman. The five of us could start stalking her, but that would mean we’d all have to hang out together, which is fine once in a while, but for an extended period might bring back painful touring memories, and we’d wind up turning on each other, viciously, chewing off legs, that sort of thing.

Many of us are still loathed by various exes (I’m not naming names, but we know who we are); hints could be dropped to the media that these exes are bringing a class action suit against us for doltish and/or caddish behavior. This would not help us with the women’s vote (they can vote?), but the doltish cads (they can vote?) will flock to us in droves!

Play Chinese Fire Drill in the middle of a Nascar rally!

Run for President, get assassinated by Newt Gingrich.

Beat up Newt Gingrich, run away, get caught hiding in Courtney Love’s shrubbery.

Bill came over this morning, along with Ed Rachles, to snap new headshots. Afterwards, we came up with little audio snippets (amusing, recorded in my living room) that will pop up when a viewer goes to various “nav bars.” That’s what we call them in the DVD game, you know, “nav bars.” That’s where navs go to have a beer.


Post a Comment

<< Home