Friday, October 29, 2004

Al CaCa

Acid reflux, schmacid reflux.
Teapot tempest collectors, take heart! Here’s a new one to put in a box in the attic and then forget about it. That would be Ashlee Simpson’s meltdown on Saturday Night Live last week. The winsome teen sensation was caught, live, lip-syncing! Her humiliation was only equalled by America’s shame in witnessing the debacle.

Her father takes the blame, however, saying that she always sings live, but on this occasion her vocal cords had been swollen by acid reflux disease, and he FORCED her to lip sync, for her own good and the good of the nation.

Now, until the dotcom boom I’d never even heard of acid reflux disease. Then came the ubiquitous ads for the Purple Pill in the nineties. It was one of many medications which began popping up on television ads, ads throwing bone-chilling lists of side effects at us (“Some rectal leakage may occur”), while being pretty coy about what the medication itself was for: “Ask your doctor if the Purple Pill is right for you.”

It turns out that the Purple Pill (Nexium) in fact a treatment for acid reflux disease, and like other drugs that treat this disease is now considered to open their takers to a greater risk of pneumonia, because it kills bacteria in stomach acid.

Well, I say acid reflux disease is heartburn, and I say the hell with it. Take heart, Ashlee! A little bicarbonate of soda and you’ll be belting your hits again in no time.

How about “Oops I Did It Again?”
The guy who co-wrote “You’re Still the One” has issued a cease-and-desist order against the Bush campaign for its continued use. The song has also been used in ad campaigns by Appleby's, Burger King and ABC.

Who said THAT?
"I am willing to stake my scientific reputation to the statement that Bush was wearing something under his jacket during the debate. This is not about a bad suit. And there's no way the bulge can be described as a wrinkled shirt."

Having examined the video myself, or rather 16 frames imaged digitally, converted to a 16-bit TIF, and averaged to increase the signal-to-noise, I am forced to conclude that the bulge is President Bush’s jacket is an alien, specifically the “face-hugger” type alien, which apparently missed the President’s face (he must have turned suddenly or something), and landed between his shoulder blades instead. There is no other explanation.

I am contributing five drawings for the viewer’s enjoyment should he or she choose to listen to the audio nuggets included in the DVD. I have drawn four, but the last is causing me some trouble, because I need to draw a steering wheel, which seems to be beyond my area of competence. I take heart from the fact that Van Gogh had the same problem, only with roses. They always came out looking like sunflowers.


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