Thursday, December 02, 2004


Wal-Mart is doomed!
Retail giant Wal-Mart is stumbling, and may soon crash to the ground, cracking the pavement, sending SUVs flying into the air; children will run in fear, clutching their discounted videogames as they scamper for the safety of Sears.

We are all doomed!
Missile manufacturing giant Raytheon has invented a heat ray, called the Active Denial System (!), which uses (according to the Boston Business Journal) a "focused, speed-of-light millimeter wave energy beam to induce an intolerable heating sensation.'' People caught in the path of the beam, in other words, feel very, very uncomfortable. The weapon may be used in Iraq as early as next year.

Gay books are doomed!
A GOP legislator in Alabama wants to ban “gay books.” Rep. Gerald Allen told the Alabama News that if his bill passes, “novels with gay protagonists and college textbooks that suggest homosexuality is natural would have to be removed from library shelves and destroyed.”

“I guess we dig a big hole and dump them in and bury them,” Allen said.

Teen sex is doomed!
Rep. Henry Waxman, according to The Washington Post, has issued a report stating that many of the federally funded abstinence-only sex ed programs out there are spreading misinformation, including:
--Abortion can lead to sterility and suicide.
--Half the gay male teens in the United States have tested positive for AIDS.
--Touching a person's genitals "can result in pregnancy."
--A 43-day-old fetus is a "thinking person."
--HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, can be spread via sweat and tears.
--Condoms fail to prevent HIV transmission as often as 31 percent of the time in heterosexual intercourse.
--the Active Denial System can safely be used to discourage unwanted attention from the opposite sex.

According to the Post: “Some course materials cited in Waxman's report present as scientific fact notions about a man's need for ‘admiration’ and ‘sexual fulfillment’ compared with a woman's need for ‘financial support.’”

The Internet is doomed!
The Media Center at The American Press Institute has issued a study which finds that, despite increased variety in media consumption, television remains the very favorite of the Content Generation (a term the Media Center made up to make themselves sound hip).

This is from their web site:

“The Content Generation emerges. It creates, produces and participates in news and information in a connected, informed society. The revolution is being captured in text and on digital still and video cameras, many embedded in cell phones. Its manifesto spreads by global networks that allow anyone to post and share their thoughts, ideas and images - in text through blogs, IM and other Web tools; and in text, audio, photo and video messaging to mobile devices. The message resonates and vibrates through multiple mediums shaping our always-on lives. Media multi-tasking is now the way to get through the day.”

Do you think the folks at the Media Center are always this gushy and self-important, or only when they’re christening (or dooming) a new generation?

According to their press release, the “Simultaneous Media Usage Survey (SIMM IV) conducted by BIGresearch in May 2004, reading the mail while watching TV tops the list of simultaneous media usage.”

Watching television while reading mail: it’s a media revolution! I think I’ll talk on the phone while surfing the Web. It might make me feel young again.

The DVD of comedy giants Duck’s Breath Mystery Theatre, alas, is not available at Wal-Mart, not can it be used to induce burns, or promote a homosexual agenda. It is completely harmless, and hilarious. It can be found here:


Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home