Tuesday, December 28, 2010

End of the year blog

This is a movie about a man who would be king and his speech therapist. Much acting is involved, I think. Oscars will gather.

True Wee Wife Moment
She picks up her purse. It’s heavy. Why is it so heavy? She opens it, says, “Oh. It’s pumpkins.”

Come see me! I am a big part of a New Year’s Eve Show, with Ian Shoales (me!), Dr. Science (half me!), Randee of the Redwoods, Two Headed Dog, Train Wreck Riders, Duck’s Breath (1/5 me!), and more….
Starts at 9:00, at the Presentation Teater, San Francisco, 2350 Turk (at Masonic)

More Economic Bad News…
(From Reuters) The United States executed fewer people this year, in part because there is a shortage of the drug used in lethal injections and because executions are too expensive in tough economic times, a report released on Tuesday said.

But good news from Bolivia!
It has lowered the retirement age to 58. Here in America, we will soon be working until we’re eighty, at which point we’ll either drop dead in our traces, or receive our retirement funds grudgingly, tempered by the disapproval of pundits who hold pension funds to be at the very heart of the forces holding America back from growth and job-creation.

Dancing With the Stars!
Jamie Lee Curtis has rejected a request to compete.

The program was also unable to nab Mark Zuckerberg, Sylvester Stallone, Ann Coulter, Condoleeza Rice, Richard Branson, Tim Allen, Suzanne Somers, and more!

A source close to the program revealed to HOLLYWOOD REPORTER that Melanie Griffith tries to get on the show every year, but has so far been unsuccessful. Jenna Fisher, from THE OFFICE, was also turned down. Ditto Tara Reid. I know her from somewhere….

Nature news!

Recently re-discovered in Kenya! For the first time since 1948!

(AFP) “The Mormotomyia Hirsuta reportedly looks more like a spider than a regular fly. The creature is approximately one-centimeter long, has wings but is unable to fly, and tends to breed in bat feces. Furthermore, the creature had minute eyes, and is the only identified member of its biological family, according to Reuters.”

Kenyans refer to it as the “terrible hairy fly.”

“I call that bold talk for a one-eyed fat man.”
For fans of Charles Portis - and why aren’t you one of them?- TRUE GRIT will not disappoint. For fans of the John Wayne version, this is a much better movie. I recommend it. After seeing it, we went to the library, where the Child Bride promptly checked out THE DOG OF THE SOUTH (Charles Portis), which I stayed up until three in the morning re-reading. And I’m not a young man!

Where to go when the world ends in 2012.
Apparently, it’s Bugarach, a small village in France, which has unique properties enabling it to survive a Mayan-predicted apocalypse. The town has been inundated by various groups of survivalists, etc. The mayor of the town informed The Daily Telegraph, “This is no laughing matter,”

Bruce Sterling on Assange
“…Julian Assange seems remarkably deprived of sympathetic qualities. Most saintly leaders of the oppressed masses, most wannabe martyrs, are all keen to kiss-up to the public. But not our Julian; clearly, he doesn’t lack for lust and burning resentment, but that kind of gregarious, sweaty political tactility is beneath his dignity. He’s extremely intelligent, but, as a political, social and moral actor, he’s the kind of guy who gets depressed by the happiness of the stupid.

“I don’t say these cruel things about Julian Assange because I feel distant from him, but, on the contrary, because I feel close to him. I don’t doubt the two of us would have a lot to talk about. I know hordes of men like him; it’s just that they are programmers, mathematicians, potheads and science fiction fans instead of fiercely committed guys who aspire to topple the international order and replace it with subversive wikipedians.
The chances of that ending well are about ten thousand to one.”

Money-making idea!
The wee bride and I have come up with a surefire television series hit: MIAMI POLICE HOSPITAL LAWYER.

By the way…
The pumpkins were actually little squashes. Three of them. But those things do add up, weight-wise.

Friday, December 03, 2010

Don't Bogart This Blog, My Friend

On the Road Again

Willie Nelson was busted in Texas, on the road, for pot possession.

Julian Assange Has a Blog!

From it: “Now I say unto you -- arise serpents! Tear the hinges from their doors, stand above the alter (sic) white and vomit out your poison till deceit crumbles and sets free the dove.”

Before you serpents arise, here’s another excerpt: “Don't worry about self flagellating christian guilt mania diet nonsense. Think about how much you eat. Think about the effect of being even 1 potato chip per plate out between energy demands and consumption. Daily energy demands for a woman approximates 10 mega joules. Pure fat has an energy density of around 3000 Kj/100g. So your energy demands can be met each day by a little over 333 gms of fat.”

Eyes glazed over yet? One more: “What do guitars, lollies, lipstick, tamagotchis, padded bras, pornography, movies, opium, Ever Quest, and 98% of any Australian newspaper in common? They are all technologies of emmotional (sic) manipulation which distort our perceptions for the benefit of their masters.”

To which I wonder: Tamagotchis?

Hand sanitizers.

Suddenly they’re everywhere, especially in the front of grocery stores, where I often see anxious-looking women dousing their hands before proceeding to finger the produce. I imagine this stuff pretty much evaporates in a few minutes, but whatever floats our overcrowded hygiene boat, I guess.

Also: face masks. Everybody’s suddenly donning face masks, in the hope of avoiding flu, I guess. Or maybe the air has suddenly become toxic.


Just in time for Christmas, there’s a new 12 DVD set that Christians can throw their money at. It’s called THE GREEN DRAGON. It’s about the great evil that is the environmental movement. It’s educational.

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Hillary Clinton

Jack Shaeffer from Slate thinks she should resign: “A secret cable from April 2009 that went out under Clinton's name instructed State Department officials to collect the ‘biometric data,’ including ‘fingerprints, facial images, DNA, and iris scans,’ of African leaders. Another secret cable directed American diplomats posted around the world, including the United Nations, to obtain passwords, personal encryption keys, credit card numbers, frequent flyer account numbers, and other data connected to diplomats.”

Well, certainly that’s mighty damning. And I’m no fan of Hillary Clinton. But is anybody really surprised by this? It’s so… wonky. Biometric data of African leaders. If you can get your people to get that—score! But then what? Put it in a file, I guess. And then what? It’s in a file! America wins! We have iris scans of Robert Mugabe! Nothing can stop us now!


For reasons that escape me, one Alastair Macaulay, on assignment form the New York Times, has embarked upon a Nutcracker marathon. He is going to see “as many different American productions as I can reasonably manage in November and December, from coast to coast,” He’s a dance critic for the Times, and a Brit, and has the patience for this sort of thing.

I have seen NUTCRACKER. Once. I enjoyed myself, but once was certainly enough. I don’t quite get it. The first act sets up a story in which a young girl gets a nutcracker for Christmas. Beats getting a pair of socks, I guess, but the show nearly lost me right there. “Thanks, Mr. Drosselmeyer! Maybe next year you can get me a can opener, or shoelaces.” Anyway, the nutcracker comes to life during the night and leads an army of toy soldiers to win a battle against an army of mice. Cool! Now we’re getting somewhere! But … that’s it.

Act II consists of Clara, the girl, now a young woman, and the Nutcracker, now a handsome prince, sitting down and watching a variety show celebrating sweets from around the world. That’s right. A bunch of people dancing for them. And us. Dressed like food. The end.

Bryan Fischer

Bryan Fischer, an extreme Christian commentator, has been on a roll this year. First, he wrote a column urging us to kill grizzly bears. A 70 year old man was killed by one in Yellowstone National Park, prompting Fischer to write, “Because this animal was given a nap instead of a bullet, a human being is dead, and a savage animal is alive, on the prowl, and ready to kill again.”

He reminds us that, biblically, humans are given dominion over animals. “…if biblical precedent had been followed, the whale that killed SeaWorld trainer Dawn Brancheau would have been euthanized in 1991 when it killed its first human victim. Ms. Brancheau would be alive today if the principles of the Judeo-Christian tradition had been followed.”

My feeling is that rather than killing grizzly bears, if you are living near grizzly bears, move somewhere where there are no grizzly bears. I recommend San Francisco.

As far as killer whales go, not to disparage those trainers who work with them, but I would remind everybody that these animals are called killer whales, and we probably shouldn’t be shocked when they live up to the name.

I recommend puppies and kittens to Christians and agnostics alike. If you have a pet grizzly bear, well, you’re on your own pal. And if you have a killer whale, I hope you also have a pool.

Then, Bryan Fischer, having put down his thirty ought six long enough to sit down at the keyboard again, wrote that when Salvatore Giunta received the Medal of Honor for rescuing some trapped comrades, under fire, it was somehow proof that the medal has become “feminized.” He wrote, "When are we going to start awarding the Medal of Honor once again for soldiers who kill people and break things, so our families can sleep safely at night?"

Apparently, he wants soldiers to go on rampages, like grizzly bears or killer whales. How that would help families sleep safely at night isn’t clear to me. But at least our soldiers wouldn’t be doing girly things like risking their lives to help their friends. That’s just wussy.

Fischer, by the way, has also written, "Homosexuality gave us Adolph Hitler, and homosexuals in the military gave us the Brown Shirts, the Nazi war machine and six million dead Jews." That’s right. According to Fischer, Adolph Hitler was gay. Nazi Germany was, essentially a gay culture. Kind of like San Francisco, only with goose steps and tanks. Which may be why San Francisco doesn’t have grizzly bears.

Meet Mama Grizzly

Now, Sarah Palin has written in her book AMERICA BY HEART, that grizzly bears are "Beautiful, ferocious, serious-as-a-heart-attack creatures," She wrote, “When you come upon one, you don't give her a hug, You tread lightly. Because when the ones she loves are threatened, she rises up."

They know this in Alaska, but in the lower 48, according to Palin, we persist in depicting bears as “cute and cuddly.” She has been known to represent herself as a Mama Grizzly. So I’m wondering what Bryan Fischer would do if he happened to walk into a Starbucks, handgun at his side, and Sarah Palin should happen to be there, and rise up on her hind legs, and defend her brood. Wouldn’t you like to see that on YouTube?