Sunday, July 29, 2007

Behold a pale blog

Headline of the week
“Scientists breed world’s first mentally ill mouse”

Because they can.

The Rapture
The Child Bride, who is obsessed with the LEFT BEHIND books, came up with a great idea: LEFT BEHIND: THE PETS. It would be kind of an ANIMAL FARM kind of deal, featuring a pet antichrist, probably (based on our own experience anyway) a Burmese cat. A Burmese cat is staring at me balefully even as I type. Her name is Scully. She is evil. Help me.

The Rapture II
Last week I had an idea to make a porn movie based on the LEFT BEHIND concept. The idea is that the folks left behind are sinners anyway. Why not have endless orgies? What have they got to lose? I’d get right on this, but I don’t know anybody in the porn industry.

I just remembered: a friend of ours, a filmmaker, got a job on a porn movie back in the seventies, running sound. He had a business card from one of the actresses, which he showed us; it described her as an “analist.”

More alarming animal news
Headline of the week, alternate: “Voracious Jumbo Squid Invade California”

Unlike Knut the polar bear, they are not fuzzy and adorable. Some are 7 feet long! Mmm. Calamari!

Oscar the cat
The latest New England Journal of Medicine has a story that has traveled the globe already, about Oscar the cat, a feline in a Rhode Island nursing home that seems to know when patients is about to die, curling up next to them in their final hours. According to CNN, Oscar recently received a wall plaque commending his "compassionate hospice care."

Well, I don’t know. If I were a patient and I saw Oscar come padding over, I’d run out of the room screaming. Or rather, shuffle away on my walker, screaming. I wonder if Oscar is part Burmese?

‘Possum
I saw two ‘possums in our back yard last night. So many species have become extinct, why can’t some catastrophe strike these nasty critters?

Some seem to like opossums. There is even a ’possum rescue website, which informed me: “Opossums may drool, growl and show their 50 teeth when frightened, but in reality are placid and prefer to avoid any confrontation.” And they eat kittens. They eat anything. I hate them. They’re creepy, with their bald tails, and beady eyes.

Water water everywhere
I heard on NPR that Coca Cola’s brand of bottled water, Aquafina, which previously listed as an ingredient, PWS, must now spell it out on the label – Public Water Source. In other words: tap water.

Is witlessness contagious?
Another story of the week claims that obesity may be contagious. No. It’s not. In a world of stupidity, this may be the most stupid thing I’ve heard in ages. Obesity occurs when one overeats, or eats food that leads to obesity, and does not exercise. It does not pass from person to person like the flu, measles, or atheism. That’s right. Atheism is contagious. Prove it isn’t!

More news, from the virtual world
From Good Morning, Silicon Valley: “…BM -- once famous for its unspoken but rigid white-shirt-and-wingtips workforce dress code -- would be spelling out guidelines for the appearance and behavior of employee avatars in virtual worlds…. [W]orkers are advised to be ‘especially sensitive to the appropriateness of your avatar or persona's appearance when you are meeting with IBM clients or conducting IBM business.’” In other words, don’t show up at the virtual meeting as a giant squid.

MORE news, from the virtual world
From Slate: “New Barbie dolls play MP3s and can be plugged into a docking station to access online games and chats. Stuffed animals called Webkinz have a number sequence you can plug in to a Web site to enter a fantasy world complete with avatars of your animals. Disney is selling a camera into which you can download Disney characters for your photo collection. MTV has started a video game in which people can play real instruments together through game consoles. Rationale for toy companies: Doll sales are down, but electronic sales to kids are up. Business model: 1) Use the offer of site access to sell the first doll. 2) Add new, restricted-access areas to the site that require kids to buy new dolls. 3) Keep the kids interested by letting use the site to win play money to get additional outfits.”

I read a story in the New York Times about Moms, whose kids are away at camp, have to spend a lot of time caring for their Webkinz. Otherwise they will “die.”

Somebody, please, destroy us now.

This week in sports
New York Times: “Sport’s despairing week has brought another puncture to cycling’s credibility; Barry Bonds’s continued grim chase of baseball’s home run record; a game-fixing investigation of a professional basketball referee; and gruesome dog-fighting accusations against the Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick.”

If I followed sports, I would be alarmed. But I don’t have a dog in that fight.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The latest New England Journal of Medicine has a story that has traveled the globe already, about Oscar the cat, a feline in a Rhode Island nursing home that seems to know when patients is about to die, curling up next to them in their final hours.

This could all be simply explained if he's curling up ON THEIR FACES, thereby smothering the weak oldsters. I just hope that people have been able to look past his adorable cat-ness, to make sure this isn't happening!

-D.E.

1:51 PM  
Blogger James Killus said...

Last week I had an idea to make a porn movie based on the LEFT BEHIND concept. The idea is that the folks left behind are sinners anyway. Why not have endless orgies? What have they got to lose? I’d get right on this, but I don’t know anybody in the porn industry.

You'd be remaking Cafe Flesh (1982) anyway, and since I believe there's already been a Cafe Flesh II, well, I'd say "Why bother?" but there's always plenty of reason for more sci-fi porn.

Also, if her card said "Analyst" would that have made her more or less of a prostitute?

1:56 PM  
Blogger Merle Kessler said...

I forgot about CAFE FLESH! One of the most boring porn movies ever made!

2:06 PM  
Blogger nebusj said...

Incidentally, did you see the Reuters news report, ``Berlin's polar bear Knut starts celebrity diet''? Unfortunately they just mean he's now an overweight celebrity and will be getting less porridge each day.

http://www.reuters.com/article/lifestyleMolt/idUSL3190417420070731 ought to be the link to it.

6:25 PM  
Blogger Merle Kessler said...

Celebrity diet? Knut eats nothing but celebrities?

10:43 PM  

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