Sunday, November 06, 2005

Post-Boo Blue Blog

One man’s mead…
WIRED informs me that Ted Breaux, a New Orleans researcher, has managed to reverse-engineer absinthe. He claims that the so-called “Green Menace,” illegal near-globally since World War I, is no more harmful than any other strong spirit. Look for it soon in a liquor store near you! Ten per cent off if you tell the clerk, “Verlaine sent me.”

Heckuva suit, Brownie.
New e-mails have emerged from former FEMA buffoon, Michael Brown. As Katrina was approaching New Orleans, he was merrily chatting up his personal appearance: “I am a fashion god.” Later, on September 6, he informed his public relations guy what to get at Sonic: "Order a #2, tater tots, large diet cherry limeade."

Did you know…?
Drug dealers have their own patron saint. His name is Jesus Malverde. Often depicted on statues and prayer cards, he has a dapper moustache and a white suit. He is also featured on incense, prayer candles, and soap. Though he may or not be mythical, and may or may not have been a Mexican thief, he is definitely not part of the official Catholic canon of saints.

More Amazing Nature Facts
A slow news day at Reuters revealed: “Quicksand is not the bottomless pit portrayed in Hollywood films that sucks in unsuspecting victims and swallows them whole.”

Leave it to Reuters to take all the fun out of Tarzan movies.

Just don’t do it.
New Life Ministries has created a five-book kit, to be sent to soldiers, urging them to abstain from porn, adultery, sex outside marriage, and masturbation. The authors write, "Your goal is sexual purity. You are sexually pure when no sexual gratification comes from anyone or anything but your wife."

Is adultery a big problem for our guys and gals in Iraq?

Boo: Just say no.
The major of Rankweil, a small town in Austria, urged its citizens to boycott Hallowe’en: "It's an American custom that's got nothing to do with our culture." Mayors of eight neighboring villages, according to the Associate Press, also supported the boycott, as did local police, who (like police everywhere) do not like vandalism and mischief.

Hugo Chavez, the president of Venezuela, also urged its citizens to reject the holiday. In a speech he said, "Families go and begin to disguise their children as witches. That is contrary to our ways." He also hinted that Halloween was part of the United States’ “culture of terror.” And candy corn.

No mo boos
In Newton, Massachusetts, a school principal decided to cancel this year’s Halloween celebration, after complaints from some parents; he told the Boston Globe: “…I felt the goal was really important to make it a respectful and open and welcoming place for all members of our community." Except ghosts, I guess.

Speaking of Halloween….
I understand the impulse of 13 and 14 year olds to have one last shot at trick or treating. They are on the threshold of terrifying adulthood, after all, and I don’t blame them for wanting to get something for nothing, which is such a precious part of pre-adolescence. But kids, you must really pay lip service, at the very least, to a costume. I had three teens show up at my door with not even a semblance of an outfit. If you’re going to go out, young people, go out in a blaze of glory. Full regalia fairy princess, or Spiderman, or Spongebob. Believe me, it will go a long way towards offsetting the resentment and rage adult candy dispensers often feel when dropping 3 Musketeers nuggets into the plastic bag of a sullen youth.

There was an adorable five year old, for instance, who came to my door. His costume, while elaborate, was ambiguous. I asked him if he was a frog. He fixed me with a look of disdain. “Dinosaur,” he sneered.

Young teens of America, such a moment could still be yours. Next Halloween, seize it.

And what fresh hell is this then?
From the Washington Post:
“A new vaccine that protects against cervical cancer has set up a clash between health advocates who want to use the shots aggressively to prevent thousands of malignancies and social conservatives who say immunizing teenagers could encourage sexual activity.”

Reginald Finger, a physician who has been a medical analyst for Focus on the Family, told the Post: "There are people who sense that it could cause people to feel like sexual behaviors are safer if they are vaccinated and may lead to more sexual behavior because they feel safe."

So dead virgins trump live sluts? I love morality!

This just in:
George Takei is gei.

Smurf down!
From the Associated Press, I have learned that UNICEF’s effort to back fund-raising for former child soldiers in Africa, is using Smurfs as part of its advertising campaign:

“Smurfette is left for dead. Baby Smurf is left crying and orphaned as the Smurf's village is carpet bombed by warplanes — a horrific scene and imagery not normally associated with the lovable blue-skinned cartoon characters.”

UNICEF spokesman Philippe Henon told the AP: "It's working. We are getting a lot of reactions and people are logging on to our Web site."

This is a good cause. In our ever-creepier world, there is nothing creepier, in my opinion, than forcing children to massacre other children. That said, the very IDEA of seeing the Smurf’s village carpet-bombed gives me enormous pleasure. Please don’t hate me.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

“Now I want you to remember, that no Smurf ever Smurfed a war by Smurfing for his country. He Smurfed it by making the other poor bastard Smurf for his country. … So when you put your hand in a bunch of Smurf that a moment ago was your best Smurf’s face, you’ll know what to Smurf.”
--Gen. George. S. Smurf

--Wm. J in San Jose

9:24 AM  

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