Wednesday, January 05, 2005

A world without Paris

Silver linings dept.
Secretary of State Colin Powell said Tuesday the outpouring of American aid and humanitarian help in the region devastated by the tsunami may also help Muslim nations see the United States in a better light.

The last time we’ll see Paris
As a kind of New Year’s Resolution, I guess, the gossip columnist for the New York Post announced in his column, Lowdown, last December that he would no longer carry items about Paris Hilton. Of course, he spent the whole column talking about what a clueless skank she is, in his opinion, before making his solemn vow: “If she discovers a cure for cancer, wins the Nobel Peace Prize, launches herself into outer space - or even gets her high- school diploma - I'll be happy to revisit the issue. But until then, this is the last time you'll see Paris in Lowdown.”

Now this sort of thing is considered admirable in America – you smoke for many years, then quit, everybody applauds, you stop drinking, doing drugs, go on the Atkins Diet, you pay attention to the goofy doings of oxygen-deprived socialists, and then stop cold turkey. Kudos! Bravo! Everybody salutes you!

But why tell us about it? Can’t you just, you know, not talk about Paris Hilton, without talking about how you’re not going to talk about her?

And don’t forget Kirstie Alley!
I don’t read the New York Post anyway, as a rule, and those gossip columns I do read, well, all mentions of Paris Hilton wash over me like tepid tapwater, frankly. I’m more of a Britney man, when it comes to eavesdropping on celebrity meltdowns.

Still, thousands of people do read the Post. Couldn’t the columnist have held a contest of some kind, to see how long people noticed before they realized he’s no longer talking about her? If he had just let it go, his readership would eventually think, “Say, it’s been two months without a mention of Paris Hilton. What the hell is going on?” The first one to call in to complain could get a free round trip to Queens. Or something. I’m just spitballing.

And what EVERYBODY stopped paying attention to Paris Hilton?

A world without Paris
As in a horror story by Poe, or Borges, the shallow star would jetset to New York to London, unrecognized, ignored, forced to carry her own designer luggage like a ghost, her vapid utterances falling on ears forever closed to her. Even her little dog, Tinkerbell, would start checking Craigslist for a more suitable mistress, like Britney, or the Olsen Twin without the problems.

And all the computers on which resides the infamous downloaded Paris Hilton sex video will gather dust, as their owners log off, to wander outside, blinking at the sunshine, and wonder at the beauty of the world. Eventually, say a year from now, when you do a Google search for Paris Hilton, the only thing that will pop up is a French hotel, no vacancies, and room rates so expensive, just looking at the web site can cause bankruptcy. And that’s when we will all turn our truncated attention spans to Lindsay Lohan, where they belong.

Duck’s Breath DVD
Bill Allard and I are starting a Duck’s Breath web site, for the purpose of selling the DVD, among other things. Will keep you posted, as we get closer to launch.


Blogger BonzoGal said...

A Duck's Breath official site? About freaking time. Waiting with bated... baited... er... This is a good thing!

1:47 PM  

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