Tuesday, December 28, 2004

New! Improved! Blog!

Coming Soon!
The Ponder Bears are on the way!

They’ll entertain you. They’ll fill your mind with Important Thotz™. They’ll leave you helpless with laughter.

And they’ll fill your heart. With dreams.

From ABC News, The Children’s Television Workshop, Jim Henson Productions, and PBS comes a synergy that finally pays off. Big time.

Here’s a Sunday morning roundtable discussion the whole family can enjoy.

Meet the Ponder Bears
If you’re been waiting for feisty commentators with souls as big as their brains, well, your wait is over. The Ponder Bears are four puffy pundits with a can-do spirit. They’ll get your head crammed and your toes tapping.
The Ponder Bears are:
--William Three, gruff neo-conservative.
--Chase Bowtie, savvy Boston preppie. He knows Latin!
--Jeanette Finley Arlington is the daughter of a senator! Her stuck-up exterior masks a heart of gold. Her hair strikes fear into the hearts of evil doers everywhere.
--And Boomer? Well, Boomer just wants to have fun.

They’re all bears!

--Lennie the Liberal! Grizzly Grant and the Focus Group! Ponder Pup! Advizer™! And the Ponderoso Players!

They’re all bears too! And they’re all yours.

Every Week!
When you tune into the Ponder Bears, you’re plugging into much more than the greatest assemblage of informed opinion the world has ever known. You’re plugging into adventure. Comedy. Statistics.

You’ll emerge from the other side of their half-hour knowing exactly what you need to know to have an informed opinion on everything from nuclear waste disposal to auto repair.

You’ll view in-depth profiles of world leaders like Ariel Sharon, Abdurrahman Wahid, and the current president of Venezuela, all in full three-dimensional all-digital real time animation! You’ll see pie charts - with actual pies.

You’ll get real footage of wartorn regions of the world, doctored heavily to give you the full impact of news-- as it happens-- without disturbing your digestion.

But Ponder Bears will also give you breakthroughs in the worlds of personal hygiene, cosmetic surgery, and family entertainment.

Every week, they’ll save the world from pesky supervillains with magical powers, though not so magical as to suspend belief or offend. (P.S. They’re bears too!)

Not only that, your kids will learn the alphabet, counting, and Reading Through PonderFonix™. Not to mention the basics in civility, self-esteem, and-- most important-- learning to care.

And maybe, just maybe, you might have a tune or two stuck in your head as well.

Like Boomer says, “That’s a bad thing?”

That’s Not All!
News. Comedy. Songs. Important life lessons.

Guest appearances by the likes Bill Cosby, Condoleeza Rice, Ted Koppel, Elmo, and Anne Heche.

Musical guests like Yo Yo Ma, Blink 182, David Byrne, the Four Tenors, and Elvis Costello.

Our Personal Guarantee
Ponder Bears is not a desperate ploy to boost sagging ratings for news programs in a dwindling niche-driven television market.

This is a BOLD NEW DIRECTION for what the Ponder Bears call Newzertainment™.

Our research has shown that small children do not like puns, clowns, or George Will. Therefore there will be no appearances by George Will, no clowns, and NO puns, unless they involve frogs.

There will be no funny monkeys. Dinosaurs will be used sparingly. No parodies of Broadway tunes will be allowed. There will be no “boy bands,” and no “street” slang (though the Ponder Bears may occasionally refer to each others as “dog” or “homes,” if the situation is deemed appropriate).

How Is It Possible?
This program is made possible through a unique new combination of advertising, sponsorship, pledge drives, underwriting, private donations, grants, and product sales.

In addition to subtle product placement, and retail partnerships (Burger King, Verizon, EverReady, Borders, and Ortho have already signed on), Ponder Bears Ltd also has its own line of toys and adult collectibles.

The Ponder Bears Play Set includes camera, couch, monitors, laser, and secret trap door.

The Ponder Bears Reception Area is made of genuine mahogany, brass, and leather. Accessories include cigars, cosmopolitans, and shrimp appetizers, all built to scale.

Don’t forget about the Ponder Bears Book Lovers Club! And the Ponder Bears Pundit Cards. Swap ‘em. Collect ‘em all.

And the Ponder Bears Pontificator puts you in the opinion game with two clicks of a mouse.

Action Figures
Every Ponder Bear figurine comes with three outfits and, at the push of a button, will utter one of three distinctive catchphrases.

William Three:
“For once, the Democrats get it right.”
“It’s broke, people. Let’s fix it.”
“We have a laser. I say let’s use it.”

Chase Bowtie:
“I think not.”
“I believe Milton put it best.”
“I’m sorry, but that is incorrect.”

Jeanette Finley Arlington:
“We need a level playing field.”
“We need to put on our game face and forge ahead.”
“My father was a senator, as you know.”

“I’m hungry.”
“It’s all good.”
“Does this look like ringworm to you?”

Remember: batteries are always included. The Ponder Bears insisted upon that. It could have been a deal breaker. The Ponder Bears are there for you.

Watch. And Learn.
Everything is in place. We’re all on the same page. All you have to do is join us.

Somebody once said you can’t have it all. Well, the Ponder Bears know better. And soon you will too. The whole world will know better. Give us half an hour, and we’ll give you everything: Unity, diversity, hegemony, and good clean fun.

The Ponder Bears. Where Saturday morning meets Sunday morning. Their time is now.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is GREAT! I can't wait for Ponderbear meals at Burger King! Thanks for making my day!


6:19 PM  

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