Sunday, March 19, 2006

Hot Blog, hold the mustard.

The Dread Wife and I.
Celebrated our fourth anniversary last week. With dinner at the highly authentic Mel’s Diner, and a movie in an actual theater – THE HILLS HAVE EYES.

I never saw the original, but this version had everything one could want from a movie about a hapless family being picked off one by one by deranged atomic mutants. Recommended!

Snippets from an actual eBay auction, misspellings and all.
HELLO, I AM A GIFTED MUSICIAN AND OWNER OF MIND CONTROL DEVICE. HERES HOW IT WORKS.

… The Mind Control Machine converts your voice into something called Silent Sound. It is basically a special format the brain can understand without your conscience awareness of any message. In technical terms, it frequency modulates your voice data at 16 kHz in a special format that affects our unconcious mind. It sounds a bit like some kind of secret military communications. … Solid-State circuit works great on women too (and men for that matter).

But wait, there’s more!
I AM ALSO THE PROUD POSSESSOR OF A SACRED GIFT, THE GIFT OF SONG.

IN MY LIVING ROOM, I WRITE AND RECORD WHAT COULD BEST BE DESCRIBED AS TRIUMPHANT SOUNDTRACKS TO MY FAVORITE THEMES.

I SING ABOUT THE FREEWAY, MY FAVORITE FOODS, FRIENDSHIP, WOMEN, MY WORRIES AND MY HOPES. MY HEALTH PROBLEMS, PEOPLE I KNOW, ALIENS, PEACE, FANTASIES, CURIOUS THINGS LIKE THE PYRAMIDS OR THE BRAMUDA TRIANGLE. PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING THAT COMES TO MIND THAT I FIND INTERESTING

Bid now! Why?
I MIGHT BE FAMOUS SOON.

I HAVE EVEN PERFORMED FOR A "QUEER TV" TALK SHOW CALLED "THE QUEER EDGE'" GUEST HOSTED BY THE FORMER EDDIE MUNSTER. DO YOU BELIEVE ME NOW? I AM NOT EVEN GAY! IM GOING TO BE ON AGAIN THIS MONTH WITH BELINDA CARLISLE.

SEE THE PICTURE ON THE BOTTOM? THAT IS ME NEXT TO EDDIE MUNSTER AND THE TRANSVESTITE DRESSED LIKE LILI MUNSTER. I AM THE BEARDED ONE. THIS WAS TAKEN IN OCTOBER, MY BEARD IS HUGE NOW AND GETTING HUGE-ER.

Act now, and get this special bonus!
I WILL EVEN SEND A BEARD HAIR IF YOU WANT ONE AS A FREE GIFT.

And, in local news, a common sense response to danger….
Informed that an FBI informant had told authorities that he had seen three high-ranking Al Qeeda leaders in central California, a Lodi resident in turn told the San Francisco Chronicle, "I think the FBI should rely on more-reliable informants.”

Craigslist? Is that a porn site?
“Upscale executive seeks beautiful female 18-24 to live in his luxury condo in Coral Gables for $1/month in exchange for some light duties. Help take care of dog, cook occasionally. Sex 2x/week. Serious inquires only. Please email a picture for consideration.”

Dutch treat?
From the Associated Press:
“The camera focuses on two gay men kissing in a park. Later, a topless woman emerges from the sea and walks onto a crowded beach. For would-be immigrants to the Netherlands, this film is a test of their readiness to participate in the liberal Dutch culture.”

“’As of today, immigrants wishing to settle in the Netherlands for, in particular, the purposes of marrying or forming a relationship will be required to take the civic integration examination abroad,’ the Immigration Ministry said in a statement.”

Are you paying attention, Denmark? Make your would-be citizens watch porn! You’re the country that first put porn on the map, after all. Stand up! Be proud!

A Request from the Missus.
She has come up with a punchline to a joke, but not the joke itself. On her behalf, I am inviting you to provide the joke. Post it as a comment. This is not a contest. There will be no winners. No, I take that back. We’ll ALL be winners, won’t we?

Here’s the punchline: “Meteorologist? No. I said he was a meaty urologist.”

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not going back to HIM again. After I asked him to check out my FORECAST, he made an INDECENT SUGGESTION. I'm writing a letter to the Meteorologist's Association!

-D.E.

12:27 PM  
Blogger BonzoGal said...

Condoleeza is complaining to her pal, George. "George, you set me up on a horrible blind date! That guy was NOTHING like you described. He was chunky and smelled like urine! You said he was svelte and took part in the scientific study of the atmosphere that focuses on weather processes and forecasting through observable weather events which illuminate and are explained by the science of meteorology!"

"Meteorologist? No. I said he was a meaty urologist."

1:25 PM  
Blogger Merle Kessler said...

Thanks for the jokes, folks. I'll leave this up for a while. Maybe somebody else will weigh in.
mk

8:25 PM  

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