Wednesday, May 11, 2005

The Blog to End All Blogs

Random Real Headlines!
Brazilian Town Declares Orgasm Day
Big Belly or Big Butt: Which Is Better?
“Jesus Christ” Battles to Get License
Oceans Getting Louder?
Response to scent linked to sexual preference

…and so, on.

From Las Vegas Review-Journal
“If Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada still feels remorse for calling President Bush a loser, he didn't show it on Tuesday.”

Remorse? Don’t we reserve remorse for major felonies?

Paula: What Happened?
From Drudge:
“Former AMERICAN IDOL contestant Corey Clark says he can prove his sex claims with Judge Paula Abdul -- by identifying a ‘distinguishing characteristic’ on Abdul's body, the DRUDGE REPORT can reveal!”

When the accusations against Paula Abdul first surfaced, my flinty heart broke, exploding from my chest like the alien from ALIEN, only without the alien part. As I sobbed in my living room, sweeping up the shards, I thought back to her early days, when she was the choreographer for the Tracey Ullman Show, to her platinum albums, and tragic relationship to Emilio Estevez- well, I guess I loved her that’s all.

I don’t know if I will ever again be able to watch AMERICAN IDOL with the same raptness of attention. Will the endless melismatizing of the earnest young contestants ever send thrills up my spine again, knowing that contestants and judges may be all out shopping together, and God knows what else? I doubt it. I really fucking doubt it.

Fly the friendly skies.
From the New York Times:
“United Airlines, which is operating in bankruptcy protection, received court permission yesterday to terminate its four employee pension plans, setting off the largest pension default in the three decades that the government has guaranteed pensions.”

Oh boy! Let’s all get jobs there! Then retire, and kill ourselves.

Larry Flynt, Investigative Reporter!
From his press release:
“Corroborated allegations that Mr. [John] Bolton’s first wife, Christina Bolton, was forced to engage in group sex have not been refuted by the State Department despite inquires posed by Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt concerning the allegations. Mr. Flynt has obtained information from numerous sources that Mr. Bolton participated in paid visits to Plato’s Retreat, the popular swingers club that operated in New York City in the late 1970s and early 1980s.”

Experience that could come in mighty handy at the United Nations, believe you me.

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