Friday, April 01, 2005

Friday’s blog is full of it.

No Sex Please, We’re British.
Erotica Manchester, an erotic sex festival in Manchester, England, opened on Friday, but it has been poorly attended, and will not return. A spokesman told Reuters, “We thought Manchester was an open minded city but maybe we were wrong.”

A New Game.
My wife and I have come up with a new game. You must say the following in a low-voiced monotone:

“I want to see Carrot Top and Yahoo Serious as….” (You don’t have to be stoned to play this, by the way, but it probably helps.)

You follow that with a scenario you think would best display the talents of Carrot Top and Yahoo Serious. The entire sequence MUST be uttered in an affectless voice, otherwise it loses its effectiveness as a Personal Humor Vehicle.

Examples:
I want to see Carrot Top and Yahoo Serious as camp counsellors in an all-girl camp that’s plagued by zombies.

I want to see Carrot Top and Yahoo Serious as two wacky Mideast peace brokers who really mess things up with their zany antics when they try to broker peace in the Mideast.

I want to see Carrot Top and Yahoo Serious as two tennis rivals who find a newfound respect for each other when an evil businessman threatens to shut down their beloved funky rundown tennis court.

I want to see Carrot Top and Yahoo Serious as two bungling vampire hunters who win a free trip to Transylvania. Then the fun begins.

I want to see Carrot Top and Yahoo Serious as two buddy cops who exchange wisecracks as they bust up a South African diamond smuggling operation in East L.A.

I want to see Carrot Top and Yahoo Serious as goofy forensic pathologists.

I want to see Carrot Top and Yahoo Serious as rival lawyers who realize that their clients are trying to kill them and are forced to steal a truck and drive across America.

I want to see Carrot Top and Yahoo Serious as two former Presidents who realize that a corrupt senator is trying to kill them and are forced to steal a truck and drive across America.

I want to see Carrot Top and Yahoo Serious as top secret spies.

Try it! It’s fun! And it will help you deal with your ambivalence about American popular culture. Believe me.

April Fool?
MPR’S Future Tense had a story about a guy, Amal Graffstra, a consultant in Bellingham, who decided to implant a radio frequency ID chip in his hand. Why? Because he could. (He has a website, here: http://amal.net/rfid.html. And there’s an interview with him here: http://www.bmezine.com/news/presenttense/20050330.html)

He has used the RFID chip to get his computer to “recognize” him, and turn on when he’s around, and off when he’s not. Also his front door opens at a touch. He’s hoping to do the same with his car.

So he's kind of a Million Dollar Man Lite. Very Lite.

Skunks
My child bride is a gardener, and subscribes to many gardening-related publications. One of them (Organic Gardening) informed me (well, the wife informed me that the information was there, if you follow me) that there is a National Grand Skunk Championship, in which “pet skunks are judged for their appearance and personality.” Classes include “Chocolate Chip, Apricot/Blonde, Champagne, and Smoke.” Past competitions have been held in Orlando, Florida. Grab your skunk and sign up today!

Not Disabled Enough.
AP:
“Ms. Wheelchair Wisconsin has been stripped of her title because pageant officials say she can stand - and point to a newspaper picture as proof. Janeal Lee, who has muscular dystrophy and uses a scooter, was snapped by The Post-Crescent newspaper standing among her high school math students. The photo was not an expose.

’I've been made to feel as if I can't represent the disabled citizens of Wisconsin because I'm not disabled enough,’ Lee said Thursday."

Note to Ted
Not only can someone like you blog, it will soon become compulsory to blog. And I do not sing show tunes when I pick my nose. It’s Ramones all the way, baby! Have we had sex?

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