Monday, August 30, 2004

I am not on steroids, okay? Just coffee.

Still slogging through books and boxes. My wife’s stuff has arrived after two years in storage, and Amy has a lot of stuff - great stuff, mind you, but a lot of it (including 3,000-plus books). One of the treasured objects I found was an instruction pamphlet for an electric typewriter, written in Italian. How did Amy get this? Why does she still have it? I did not ask, in the interest of perhaps having sex later.

In today’s Wall Street Journal, I learned that a branding consultant group and a market research company have combined forces to conduct a survey, asking respondents “to define the candidates in terms of popular advertising brands.” Thus, President Bush becomes Bud Light and Senator Kerry becomes Heineken. It’s magical, really.

One could describe this survey as – well, a number of terms come to mind. Inane. Stupid. Insipid.

But on second thought, the survey might be on to something. It just doesn’t go low enough.

Immersed as I am in garage sale/crap/stuff mode, I thought it might be instructive to define the candidates in terms of things we already have cluttering up the joint and we’re trying to get rid of. I mean who has the time or money to shop?


Bush is burned white toast, Kerry is a stale muffin.

Bush is an eight track, Kerry is a cassette.

Bush is a deck of cards with extra jokers, Kerry a broken deck, nothing but hearts.

Bush is a partially deflated football, Kerry a hacky sack.

Bush is a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle of your favorite Disney characters, many pieces missing; Kerry is a Magic Eight Ball.

Bush is Balderdash, Kerry is Trivial Pursuit.

Bush is the Billy Blanks Tae Bo workout tape, Kerry is the Jane Fonda workout tape.

Bush is a faded Metallica tee-shirt; Kerry is a Lands End polo.

Bush is blues jeans, Kerry khaki.

Bush is a rusty screw driver, Kerry is an eyeglass repair kit.

Bush is a bent can opener, Kerry is a blender missing the blade.

Bush is a gravy-stained bolo tie, Kerry a bow tie that’s lost its clasp.

Bush is a stuffed animal missing an eye, Kerry a Barbie missing one leg.

Bush is a single stick of sugar free gum, Kerry is a breath mint, covered in lint.

Which is the bread machine, which is the treadmill, which is the half-melted candle, which the empty picture frame, which the souvenir pamphlet from Wisconsin Dells, which the bag of broken toys from McDonald’s Happy Meals?

Only time will tell, my friends, and your vote, or course.

I’ve decided it’s time for quizzes. Those of you familiar with the rich tapestry of Duck lore, by golly, this is your opportunity to win…. well, that part will come later.

(1) Duck’s Breath Mystery Theatre was the group that opened for the Ramones when they first played San Francisco. True or false?

(2) Duck’s Breath opened for a once-well known pop singer, closing our set with our signature sketch, “More Than a Box.” At its conclusion, one of this singers’ back up musicians, wandering by us on his way to the stage, said, “It’s all in the box then, innit?”

Who was this musician?

a. Nicky Hopkins.
b. Levon Helm.
c. Billy Preston.
d. Leon Russell.

More later….


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