Tuesday, October 17, 2006

bandar blog

I have been rejected, so here you go. Enjoy. (If you spread it, please, acknowledge me.)

Ask Prince Bandar
Merle Kessler

“[A]s the crucial conduit for relations between Washington and Riyadh he has had unprecedented access to presidents and senior US officials for three decades.”

"Bandar, I guess you're the best asshole who knows about the world. Explain to me one thing."
"Governor, what is it?"
"Why should I care about North Korea?"
--STATE OF DENIAL Bob Woodward

Prince Bandar bin Sultan bin Abdul Aziz al-Saud: adviser to presidents. And now: adviser to you.

Dear Prince Bandar:
My brother teases me all the time, even though I tell him to stop. What can I do?

Dear Bothered:
In order for invested parties to sit down at the table and forge an agreement, each party must listen to the other. Your brother does not seem to be listening. That is why negotiations have failed. Once, at Camp David, when we were taking a cigar break from the summit, President Clinton came up to me, and whispered, “Did you say insist on a decision from Arafat, or resist a decision? “Insist, of course,” I told him. “Damn,” he said. The talks failed. My advice is to smile at your brother’s taunts, wait until you’re older, and become a fighter pilot. Fighter pilots always get respect, even from brothers.

Dear Prince Bandar:
I am the chief of intelligence for a small Arab nation, and wish to purchase 25 F-15 fighter jets for my country’s personal use. How do I make this happen?

Dear Frustrated:
You are in luck. I will be having lunch with appropriate members of Congress this week. I will put a bug in their ear. Use back-channels to contact me on Monday. You will be directed to an address in Riyadh. Fly there. Bring an envelope. Remember: the amount you are thinking about putting in the envelope is always (slightly) less that the amount desired. Hope I helped you out!

Dear Prince Bandar:
I am getting married soon, and I am wondering whether to go with a small gathering of friends and family for the wedding, or a more lavish affair. What do you think?

Dear Blushing:
You cannot go wrong with an opulent fete. Hold it at your largest estate. Cover the pool with a faux marble floor, surrounded by acres of satin tents. Have the event at night! Light it with chandeliers, and scent it with urns of lilies, roses, and orchids. Dom Perignon, please, and don’t be skimpy with the lamb.

Dear Prince Bandar:
My father professes to be faithful, yet he fails to perform the rituals and prayers attendant to the profession of faith. I fear that he may be committing unbelief. What should I do?

Dear Fretful:
Do not be a mute Satan.

Dear Prince Bandar:
Like many others, I am asked to remove my shoes at airports. This irritates me. What can be done about it? Do you face this problem?

Dear Shoeless:
No. I am a Prince, and have my own jet. Should I be asked by my employees to remove my shoes before entering my own plane, I would probably have them beheaded. Kidding. As for your situation, I would recommend that you defeat terrorism soonest. Otherwise, Americans will be asked to board planes naked. You could view this as a new kind of “freedom” I suppose. But that is just another American fantasy.

Dear Prince Bandar:
I am a college student, debating whether to pursue a law degree, or go for an MBA. I am hoping for a career in politics. Which path is the best?

Dear Ambitious:
Neither. Become a fighter pilot, and earn the respect of your family. All flows from this.

Dear Prince Bandar:
How do I get rich?

Dear Hopeful:
If you are a Prince, it helps, because- to be blunt- you are already born into wealth. Otherwise, merge the teachings of the Koran and Machiavelli. Become a football fan. Are you a fighter pilot? Become one, immediately. And not a “W” fighter pilot, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. I have actually crashed my plane. If you have crashed a plane, and you are a Prince, it gains you entry to many parties, at which career opportunities will present themselves. Thanks for asking.

Dear Prince Bandar:
What should we hope for? What should we dream of?

Dear Curious:
Enough. Bandar grows weary, and the Airbus awaits.


Anonymous Marble Floor said...

Amazingly written.. Awesome

4:15 AM  

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