Sunday, September 24, 2006

Sulfuric Blog

Chavez: Bush Devil
So Hugo Chavez called President Bush the devil at the United Nations. The President could not be reached for comment; he was otherwise engaged, at his ranch, dermabrading his incipient horns.

Musharraf: Armitage Devil
In an interview to air on 60 MINUTES, Pakistan’s President Musharraf said that after terrorists struck the United States, Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage told Pakistan's intelligence director the United States would bomb his country if it didn't help.

Musharaf said, "The intelligence director told me that (Armitage) said, `Be prepared to go back to the Stone Age.'"

Armitage insists that his comment was misheard, and what he really said was, “Tell Mushy we haven’t been stoned in ages.”

Musharraf: His Life Story
Asked to comment on this statement at a press conference at the White House the other day, Musharraf told reporters, "I would like to. I am launching my book on the 25th, and I am honour-bound to Simon and Schuster not to comment on the book before that day."

President Bush, turning flack for a moment, said, "In other words, buy the book, is what he's saying. Buy the book."

His book is called IN THE LINE OF FIRE – A MEMOIR. He supposedly did not write it, but was ghost-written by a Pakistani columnist. Yes, the title comes from the Clint Eastwood movie.
Chavez: Buy This Book!
In the midst of his harangue against our Satanic President, Hugo Chavez hefted a paperback copy of HEGEMONY OR SURVIVAL: AMERICA’S QUEST FOR GLOBAL DOMINANCE, by Noam Chomsky. He told the audience, “I think that the first people who should read this book are our brothers and sisters in the United States, because their threat is right in their own house.” I never thought of Noam Chomsky as an exorcist, but just another scolding pedant. You never know.

The book, by the way, after Chavez’ plug, jumped to Number 1 on Amazon.

Hotel television moment, with devil.
When I was in DC, I got caught up on LAW AND ORDER reruns, which is the thing to do when you’re in a hotel. Also, while flipping the dial, I caught an episode of WALKER, TEXAS RANGER, a guilty pleasure, I guess because it reminds me of teevee from my youth. Fistfights! Bad guys!. A lame theme song, sung by its star!

Now, most WALKERs are about his girlfriend getting kidnapped by convicts or motorcycle gangs. But the episode upon which I landed up gave up the following exchange:

“Bring the children!”

“Yes, Lucifer!”

I changed the channel immediately, and with satisfaction. I didn’t even need to watch the rest of the show! That little bit of dialogue told me everything I needed to know. Satanic cult plus kidnapped children plus Walker on the trail equals a last minute rescue with high flying kicks and then good old Chuck Norris trying to look whimsical as he drinks coffee in the bar run by the semi-wacky old guy.

Zach Braff
I’ve been reading a lot of sarcastic comments about this guy, in the Onion, and in Slate. And I haven’t the foggiest notion who he is. I rule!

The Administration regrets the error. Not.
(AFP) US spy agencies have dropped a political bombshell six weeks before national elections, with the leak of a classified report concluding that the war in Iraq has spawned a new wave of Islamic radicalism and increased the global threat of terrorism.

The intelligence document on Sunday rocked a central pillar of the Republican Party's campaign platform ahead of November elections: that the 2003 invasion of Iraq and the ouster of Saddam Hussein made America safer, not weaker.

Why they hate us, more
The New York Times informed me this Sunday that a bank out of Portland, Oregon is branding itself more as retailer than a financial institution. Instead of “branches,” it has “stores.” It offers free wi-fi access. Now it offers CDs of unknown musicians local to the markets where they are located. They also offer what they call a “custom banking blend.” I was going to sign up and ask for French Roast checking, black no sugar, but then I noticed that the bank also has its own brand of coffee. These truly are the Latter Days. Excuse me, Latte Days.

Big Mommy
From the English paper, The Mail:

“Britain's first 'talking' CCTV cameras have arrived, publicly berating bad behaviour and shaming offenders into acting more responsibly.”

One of the managers of the system in Middleborough told the paper: “There was one incident when two men started fighting outside a nightclub. One of the control room operators warned them over the loudspeakers and they looked up, startled, stopped fighting and scarpered in opposite directions.”

Another: “Would the young man on the bike please get off and walk as he is riding in a pedestrian area.”

Been Laden?
There’s a rumor going around that Bin Laden died of Typhus a month or so ago.

According to Reuters: “One theory surrounding the mysterious French leak is that it was designed precisely to flush the al Qaeda leader into the open, prompting him to release a new tape that might give a clue to his whereabouts and state of health.”

Sneaky us. And there goes Reuters again, revealing our top secret plans to the enemy!

Voter ID.
The GOP has been floating plans to make it mandatory for voters to show a photo i.d. when showing up at a polling place.

Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue: "It's simply unacceptable for people to sneak into the country illegally on Thursday, obtain a government-issued ID on Friday, head for the welfare office on Friday and go to vote on Tuesday."

What? Illegal immigrants are voting? I don’t think so. People who can LEGALLY vote aren’t voting.

Besides, they’re too busy defecating in the spinach to vote. Here’s a tip, spinach growers: give your migrant workers some Porta Potties and bathroom breaks. The nation’s emergency rooms will thank you.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Merle Kessler wrote:
> I was going to sign up and ask for French Roast checking, black no sugar, but then I noticed that the bank also has its own brand of coffee.

Hmmm, I wonder if they serve "Mammon"....

-D.E. ;-)

5:16 AM  

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