Saturday, September 12, 2009

Glorious Knights of the Oingo Bloggo

Fail!
Poor neglected blog. Protective services will come and take you away from me if I’m not more attentive. Poor little blog will be sent to live with foster parents in Idaho, who will only take it in for the tax advantages, and do unspeakable things to it in the basement.

New book by Jack Boulware and Silke Tudor!
GIMME SOMETHING BETTER is an oral history of punk in the Bay Area. Just out (as of September 21, I believe.) I’m in it! Briefly. Duck’s Breath Mystery Theatre was the opening act for the Ramones the first time they played in San Francisco. It wasn’t very pleasant at the time (comedy does not play well with a deafened audience), but it certainly is a good story now. And the Ramones were totally great people. (We actually met them later, again, when we were staying at the Tropicana in LA, the same time they were, while recording with Phil Spector.)

Really entertaining book. Favorite quote: “I farted so bad, Dave quit the band.”

Sport, in the OC
Mark Whicker writes a sports column for the OC Register. Recently, he wrote this:

It doesn't sound as if Jaycee Dugard got to see a sports page.

Box scores were not available to her from June 10, 1991 until Aug. 31 of this year.

She never saw a highlight. Never got to the ballpark for Beach Towel Night. Probably
hasn't high-fived in a while.

She was not allowed to spike a volleyball. Or pitch a softball. Or smack a forehand down
the line. Or run in a 5-footer for double bogey.

Now, that's deprivation.

Readers were baffled and offended, but personally I’d be curious to know if she even knows what a double bogey is. I’m sure I don’t.

More nuttiness that seems to go unchallenged.
Talk show America seems to think that President Obama’s health plan includes compulsory circumcision.

It doesn’t.

But while we’re on the subject, apparently there is a medical opinion out there that circumcised males run a decreased risk of getting AIDS. Well, okay. I’m uncircumcised myself, putting me in a minority in America. Apologies to my cut brothers, but circumcision makes absolutely no sense to me. Why not remove our eyes so we don’t have to wear glasses when we grow up? Why not remove our fingernails to obviate the need for clippers?

As for reducing the risk of AIDS, well, don’t have unprotected sex with folks who have it. No need to cut off part of your penis to spite your… I dunno. Whatever.

Obama talks to schoolchildren! Grab your guns and go to ground!
More nuttiness here. Some people feared that President Obama, when he addressed our nation’s children, was going to … what? Show subliminal Socialist messages? Brainwash them into adoration?

I seem to recall that on 9/11 President Bush was discovered on camera reading a book to schoolchildren. Hmmm.

From a forum. Re: condoms.
“I heard that they were made from lamb or some meat product and I'm vegan, so I was just wondering... Any replies would be appreciated.”

No, you can eat condoms without sacrificing your vegan principles. Thanks for asking!

Patrick Buchanan strikes again.
He apparently has come to believe that Adolph Hitler was a pacifist.

“But if Hitler was out to conquer the world — Britain, Africa, the Middle East, the United States, Canada, South America, India, Asia, Australia — why did he spend three years building that hugely expensive Siegfried Line to protect Germany from France? Why did he start the war with no surface fleet, no troop transports and only 29 oceangoing submarines?…”

Because he was insane? And maybe he didn't want to conquer the world. Maybe he wanted to see it burn.

Michael Jackson paternity news!
Two candidates for the father of Blanket:

Macaulay Culkin.
Mark “Oliver” Lester

Facebook v. MySpace
From a talk given by Danah Boyd to the National Democracy Forum:
“… MySpace has become the ‘ghetto’ of the digital landscape. The people there are more likely to be brown or black and to have a set of values that terrifies white society. And many of us have habitually crossed the street to avoid what is seen as the riffraff.

“The fact that digital migration is revealing the same social patterns as urban white flight should send warning signals to everyone out there. And if we think back to the language used by teens who use Facebook when talking about MySpace, we should be truly alarmed.”

Well, let me ask you this, Mr. Concerned White Guy - who is terrified by MySpace, exactly? I go there quite a bit, because it’s the site of choice for indie musicians to post links to their CDs, host videos, etc. If white kids may do not go there to “hang,” maybe that’s because MySpace doesn’t offer the wide array of time-wasting lame quizzes and games that Facebook has to offer. Does MySpace have Mafia Wars? I rest my case.

“Urban white flight?” How can I put this? Facebook is not a real place. MySpace is not a real place. If you flee from either of those sites, you are not really going anywhere. You are sitting at your computer, or gawking open-mouthed at your cell phone. There is no such thing as “digital migration.” But good luck with your book deal.

Favorite recent post on Freecycle
“I am planning to get married at in Las Vegas later this month and don't have anything to wear. I am looking for something Vegasy, but white to be in tune with the occasion, and now everything in the stores is dark for winter. I don't want a traditional ‘wedding dress’, just something dressy and white and perhaps a bit sexy. So, if anyone has such an item lurking in the back of her closet that she has no more use for, let me know.”

Freecycle, for those who don’t know, is a Yahoo club dedicated to giving away/picking up stuff for free. I can see asking for a wedding dress for nothing – that’s punk sensibility in action! But to get picky about it? “…something dressy and white and perhaps a bit sexy.” That’s just wrong. Get yourself a burlap bag, or some tarp, and start hitchhiking.

Warning! Study Alert!
NYT: “Last week, researchers at Stanford University published a study showing that the most persistent multitaskers perform badly in a variety of tasks. They don’t focus as well as non-multitaskers. They’re more distractible. They’re weaker at shifting from one task to another and at organizing information. They are, as a matter of fact, worse at multitasking than people who don’t ordinarily multitask.”

Headline from Huffington Post
“The Terrible Moral Emptiness of Quentin Tarantino Is Wrecking His Films”

So become Stanley Kramer, Quentin, and bore us to death. Thank you.

News from other lands: Take that, Michelle Obama!
Miyuki Hatohama, the wife of Japan’s new prime minister claims that she has flown, while asleep, “on a triangular-shaped UFO to Venus," which was "an extremely beautiful place and was very green." She also says she knew Tom Cruise in a previous life when the actor was incarnated as Japanese. On a talk show she said she likes to "eat the sun. … It gives me enormous energy. My husband has recently started doing that too."

A random forum post:
“…any girls on here who enjoy crushing toy cars with high heel shoes?”

A headline on informingchristian.com
“Marie Osmond Excepting of Lesbian Daughter”

Past the news cycle, but still creepy.
At Farrah’s funeral, Ryan O'Neal in VANITY FAIR: "I had just put the casket in the hearse and was watching it drive away when a beautiful blonde woman comes up and embraces me. I said to her, 'You have a drink on you? You have a car?' She said, 'Daddy, it's me--Tatum!' I was just trying to be funny with a strange Swedish woman, and it's my daughter. It's so sick."

You got that right! Perhaps someday he will learn to except her as she is. Just keep her away from your toy car collection. You never know.

2 Comments:

Blogger tim said...

Hi, I was looking for your Generic Letter To The Editor and stumbled on this site. I think the world is ready for your observations in a way that it certainly was not back in 1989! Or maybe I'm nostalgic and out of touch. Either way, correspondence of any sort even on a blog, would be great, because The Letter was transcendentally funny!

Tim Golliher (Google me if you must!)

10:54 PM  
Blogger Merle Kessler said...

Hi Tim!
Thanks for the kind words. I'd send you a copy of Generic Letter to the Editor but it's only on paper, in a box somewhere, with my youth, and old TV Guides, which will be worth their weight in gold someday.
mk

10:42 PM  

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