Friday, December 19, 2008

Hell Hole Blog

New one on me...
Doctors have reported the first ever case of someone using the internet while asleep, after a sleeping woman sent emails to people asking them over for drinks and caviar.

The 44-year-old woman, whose case is reported by researchers from the University of Toledo in the latest edition of medical journal Sleep Medicine, had gone to bed at around 10pm, but got up two hours later and walked to the next room.

She then turned on the computer, connected to the internet, and logged on by typing her username and password to her email account. She then composed and sent three emails.

Each was in a random mix of upper and lower cases, not well formatted and written in strange language.

One read: "Come tomorrow and sort this hell hole out. Dinner and drinks, Bring wine and caviar only."

Ha ha ha!
ZZZ-mailing! Get it?

In other news…
Telegraph UK (which seems to specialize in this sort of thing):
The self-exposure, instant fame culture peddled by reality shows, social networking internet sites such as Facebook and – above all – the home video-sharing website YouTube has provided a "perfect storm" for vulnerable people, encouraging them to put their fantasies on a global stage, say researchers.

Joel and Ian Gold, a New York psychiatrist and Montreal academic, say they have been inundated with cases since they first expounded what they have dubbed the "Truman Syndrome" two years ago.

The title refers to the 1998 film starring Jim Carey in which the main character gradually realises his humdrum life is being filmed as a reality television show and that everyone he knows is merely acting.

The condition might seem comical - one man went to a US government building and announced he wanted his show to end - but it tended to be "absolutely debilitating" as sufferers believed they could trust no-one, said Dr Joel Gold, head of psychiatry at Bellevue Hospital in New York.

He said he had recently been contacted by the father of a girl who had contemplated suicide because she believed it was the only way of "getting out of the show".

It was also difficult to treat because, as he had found himself, sufferers will dismiss their doctors and psychiatrists as actors.

Ha ha ha!
Seriously. Quit watching me.

Reptoids unite.
NYT: A Fort Carson soldier and war veteran charged in the murder and sexual assault of a woman in Colorado last month faces accusations that he also raped a 14-year-old girl and sexually assaulted a third woman, an internal Army document states.

It was common knowledge among his commanding officers and fellow soldiers, the document states, that Specialist Marko, who is being held without bond, believed he was an “alien dinosaur-like creature, and that he would transform from his human form into his Black Raptor form on his 21st birthday — 13 Oct 08.”

According to the MSM, the throwing of shoes is a “grave insult” in Islam. Here in secular America, however, the throwing of shoes is a festive occasion, often marked by, um, the throwing of shoes. How well I remember my childhood! Our shoe-tossing parties were legendary. Entire blocks would be cordoned off. Festivities would last for days, at the end of which we would return home, barefoot, exhausted, and yet strangely exhilarated.

Shoes! More! Headlines!
Reuters: “Iraq shoe-thrower inspires Web games”
Oh, go Google. You’ll find one. Do not e-mail a link to me. Thank you.

Reuters: “Egyptian offers daughter to Iraqi shoe-thrower”
How to Pick Up Girls, Chapter Twenty-Seven.

Headline of month!
"Lustful Madonna Offends God"

Poke me with a fork, and stop me from dating dept.
AP: The home of the Whopper has launched a new men's body spray called "Flame." The company describes the spray as "the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat."

Can you hear me now?
MSNBC: We take them with us to the dinner table, the bedroom, even the bathroom stall. But in recent years, some of us have started taking our beloved cell phones someplace really startling: the grave.

“It seems that everyone under 40 who dies takes their cell phone with them,” says Noelle Potvin, family service counselor for Hollywood Forever, a funeral home and cemetery in Hollywood, Calif. “It’s a trend with BlackBerrys, too. We even had one guy who was buried with his Game Boy.”

Game Boy?
So, when the cataleptic awakes from his stupor in the coffin, he can play a little Frogger before the oxygen runs out?

Local news
The Wee Bride and I, despite lingering colds, soldiered into the cold and drizzle to devour Indian food and see Bruce Campbell, in person, at the screening of his new (ish) movie MY NAME IS BRUCE, which he directed, and in which he starred, as a parody of himself. The movie was pretty awful (though amusing); on the other hand, Bruce Campbell was in it. And the man himself was there, for a Q & A after the screening. He is notorious for mocking his fans. He did not disappoint. And his fans are mockable. One fellow had had the likeness of Bruce Campbell, from ARMY OF DARKNESS, with chainsaw, tattooed on his back. He shared that with the crowd. He’d spent five hundred dollars on the tattoo. The Wee Bride and I, though fans ourselves, sport no tattoos of his likeness. We do, however, possess several action figures. The Wee Bride asked Bruce about the “Fake Shemp.” (Look it up. It’s in Wikipedia.) Apparently annoyed by the question (as he appears to be by any question), Mr. Campbell nonetheless addressed the Dread Spouse as “ma’am.” And answered the question.


Blogger Blaize said...

I want to host a shoe-tossing party. It sounds far more festive than anything I have planned this holiday season.

Since I like the days of yore, the shoe-throwing descriptions (both in the news and here) remind me of James Thurber's description of one of his aunts in My Life and Hard Times:

Aunt Grace Shoaf....was confident that burglars had been getting into her house every night for forty years. The fact that she never missed anything was to her no proof to the contrary. She always claimed that she scared them off before they could take anything, by throwing shoes down the hallway. When she went to bed she piled, where she could get at them handily, all the shoes there were about her house. Five minutes after she had turned off the light, she would sit up in bed and say "Hark!" Her husband, who had learned to ignore the whole situation as long ago as 1903, would either be sound asleep or pretend to be sound asleep. In either case he would not respond to her tugging and pulling, so that presently she would arise, tiptoe to the door, open it slightly and heave a shoe down the hall in one direction, and its mate down the hall in the other direction. Some nights she threw them all, some nights only a couple of pair.

10:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As I was braving the malls today, I couldn't help noticing the "Ed Hardy Vintage Tattoo Inspired Fragrance" (see">, for example). Which ties together a couple of your themes in a way I didn't think possible.

now if there were just an Eau de HERVÉ VILLECHAIZE.....

5:36 PM  
Anonymous Retro Jordan said...

I have been reading the posts avidly so just wanted to express my thanks for providing me with some very good reading material. I look forward to more, and taking a more active part in the discussions here.

8:59 PM  

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