Sunday, April 29, 2007

Chuck Post

New home for scare quotes!
World Net Daily is my favorite news source. It features columns by Chuck Norris AND Pat Boone! It also publishes a book called THE MARKETING OF EVIL: How Radicals, Elitists, and Pseudo-Experts Sell Us Corruption Disguised as Freedom. Dr. Laura Schlessinger gave it a blurb: "David Kupelian dares to tell the truth." And Michelle Malkin: Now watch the cockroaches run for cover."

What can you expect from this book? From the WND website: “For example, few of us realize that the widely revered father of the ‘sexual revolution’ has been irrefutably exposed as a full-fledged sexual psychopath who encouraged pedophilia. Or that giant corporations voraciously competing for America's $150 billion teen market routinely infiltrate young people's social groups to find out how better to lead children into ever more debauched forms of ‘authentic self-expression.’"

And what ARE those debauched forms of "authentic self-expression?" Do they have a web site?

“Likewise, most of us mistakenly believe the ‘abortion rights’ and ‘gay rights’ movements were spontaneous, grassroots uprisings of neglected or persecuted minorities wanting to breathe free. Few people realize America was actually ‘sold’ on abortion thanks to an audacious public relations campaign that relied on fantastic lies and fabrications. Or that the ‘gay rights’ movement – which transformed America's former view of homosexuals as self-destructive human beings into their current status as victims and cultural heroes – faithfully followed an in-depth, phased plan laid out by professional Harvard-trained marketers.”

I'd like to see the conference room where the in-depth phased plans was laid out. I'll bet it's fabulous.

Chuck Norris writes!
“I laughed the other day as I read another ‘Chuck Norris Fact’ that someone sent me: ‘Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.’ That's, of course, fist folklore.”

Getting a “Chuck”le out of an atom bomb joke! That's humor!

Later in the same column: “Over the past few years, I've been flattered and grateful to have been reintroduced to younger generations through the ‘Chuck Norris Facts’ proliferation on the Internet. Then came the hundreds of video clips and parodies of my life and personage, even reflected in my latest television commercial for Mountain Dew, which has also shown up on a host of websites and blogs.”

He is so humble in self-aggrandizement. One stands in awe.

From the CHUCK NORRIS FACT (aka CHUCK NORRIS LAUGHLINES) link, a smattering:
"Chuck Norris volunteers for the bombsquad in Iraq on weekends. He clears paths by roundhouse kicking IEDs."

"Chuck Norris is why we haven't found Osama. He politely declined to take the reward money because he likes his 7ft tall punching bag more."

"If Chuck Norris ran for president, the Republican party would heal overnight. There would be no need for a primary election, Democrat or Republican. He won't need to veto a bill, he'd just have to give congress a look. We could pepper the middle east with old Chuck DVD's. All would surrender immediatley. The Karate Commandos would be a new military branch. Seriously, if we want a sincere conservative with the charm and speaking ability similar to Reagan, Chuck is it. Nugent for VP, because he'd call the Democrats names while presiding over the Senate."

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I'd kind of enjoy it if Ted Nugent called Democrats names while presiding over the Senate.

"one day while chuck norris was on tour in the middle east. a couple of kind strangers were sitting down having a weekly meeting. when they heard chuck was coming fear struck their hearts. for they were copying his beard. while fleeing for thier lives, someday in september, they accidently ran into some building. chuck was satisfyed."

I don't get it either. "for they were copying his beard." Huh.

"Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried."

If he's never cried, how do they know his tears cure cancer?

"Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants."

"Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits."

"The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain."

And Mountain Dew!

"most poeple dont know what its like to be from a family that isnt one. my dad was a heavey drinker & left me & my mom to those poeple that make fun of chuck norris they have to live the life that he & i have done when you dont know when your next meal comes from or not until they live it they just dont understand & they never will."

And Mountain Dew!

What Britney said to the photographers following her around:
"It was so right and like my management totally knew what they were doing when they sent me to rehab. So right you know? I just want to say that I'm just really, really shocked at like how nice our world is because it is just so nice. Like, oh my god. Like the other day like I was sitting there and I saw all these magazines and they said I was pregnant and like it's so true. Like, America, believe everything you read because like you're smart and I'm stupid."

It's sarcasm.

My new favorite spam
“Were intensely overjoyed to welcome your house financing application affirmation.”

I love to have an emotional connection to mortgage lenders, especially since I don’t own a home.
Another breaking story from WND:
“A plan that has been launched in the California state Assembly – again – could be used to ban references to ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ in public schools statewide by prohibiting anything that would ‘reflect adversely’ on the homosexual lifestyle choice.”

I haven't been to school lately, I guess. How often do Mom, Dad, and/or homosexual lifestyle choices come up as study topics?

In other news…
Two diaries written by Anna Nicole Smith have sold on eBay for 500,000 bucks. The guy who sold them said that one of the diaries contains her confession, “I have for men to want sex all the time. I hate sex.” The diaries also contain a counter-argument to the theory of evolution, based on her close reading of Spinoza.

Did you know that there’s a web site called Cheddarvision, on which you can watch a 44 lb chunk of cheese mature? Now you do. Knock yourself out.

In Utah, Don Larsen, the Republican chairman of District 65 authored a resolution which says in part, "In order for Satan to establish his 'New World Order' and destroy the freedom of all people as predicted in the Scriptures, he must first destroy the U.S. The mostly quiet and unspectacular invasion of illegal immigrants does not focus the attention of the nations the way open warfare does, but is all the more insidious for its stealth and innocuousness." Last year, also in Utah, congressional candidate John Jacob blamed Satan for his unsuccessful campaign. Did you know that Satan has a website? He doesn’t? Why not? He could feature debauched forms of authentic self-expression with underage teens!


Blogger BonzoGal said...

After all that Norris-related violence and the Macarthur Maze explosion and Satanic teen self-expression, watching a cheddar slowly mature is very soothing. Thanks!

3:18 PM  

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